In the last few days, as my start date for rehab approaches, I’ve freaked out, ever so slightly.
I’ve wondered, is this the right choice? Am I that bad, really? Is this really necessary? No one’s put me up to it. And while several people have expressed concern about my drinking, there’s only been one person that described my behavior as “some Leaving Las Vagas shit.”
There’s this little elf voice in my head saying — I’ve been sober four days. I got this. Foolish.
The first step of AA reads: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable.
It seems so easy. To admit what you know you are. But, it isn’t that easy. The alcoholic mind wanders and twists in ways the normal mind doesn’t. It makes excuses for drinking, and just about everything else.
It’s hard sometimes as a newcomer. You sit in the rooms of AA and listen to all these stories of people bottoming out. Burning every bridge they have. Losing everything and everyone. I’m not that person. And I hate that feeling, like I have to one-up someone’s fucking share in AA. Sure, some bridges have been burned, many more just singed. But, I was able to keep a job, my family (even though I was far from honest with them), there are friends I did not alienate, some I did. For the most part, the damage done here, was to myself. My life, or my excuse for one. This is my rock bottom. This is as low as I want to go. So, excuse me if I don’t make the AA ‘bonafide-rock-bottom’ grade.
I have to remind myself daily that I can still be an alcoholic without being a homeless person, in the dredges. That I still have real problems and issues that I need to resolve, or, I will end up with some awful fate.
Before I go to rehab to really fix what’s broken, I stopped drinking. I have four days sober. No, I am not homeless or in detox. And, that’s ok.
I am, and will continue to be, powerless against alcohol and my life has become unmanageable. Even as I write it, it seems foreign, and off kilter. Imagining my life without another drink. But, I do it regardless, because I want what the successful members of AA have. I’m driven, I’m going to get it. And, I’m still an alcoholic, even with all this drive…
So, instead of figuring out how to appear a bottomed out, shell shocked mess, I try to be me. The new version. Version 2.0.
I finished assembling my IKEA desk. I read a book. I watched the news. I brushed my cat. I went grocery shopping. Normal. Simple. Tasks you’d think would be easy to accomplish, but, they just weren’t for me while I was drinking. My free time was precious bar time. And now, time just stretches out it front of me, endlessly.
So the new me is going to take it one day at a time, one step at a time. One monotonous task at a time.
And if you want to compare rock bottoms, talk to me in a month, the new me is hitting up the gym.