Day 16: Respite

After a long, crazy week, I sat down on the couch only to discover: I’m tired.

Exhausted even.

While I’m incredibly proud of my new found drive, it only took one moment of checking in with myself to discover that I need to be sure my physical person has time to tune in with, and sync itself with the mental marathon I’ve been running.

AA, rehab, going to the gym or hiking daily, yoga, dance classes, cooking every meal at home, writing a daily blog, reading…it all adds up. I have to remember that, yes, this time is for focusing on my sobriety, but, also, to work on myself. My person. And, while all these things are wonderful and completely contributing to my personal growth, there needs to be a time where I just sit down and zone out. Be still and silent. Without thoughts.

I’m all for reflection, don’t get me wrong. But, just a few weeks ago, I was numbing out almost constantly. Sure, in an extremely unhealthy way. But, there is a place in our day-to-day existence for that disconnect. And, it doesn’t have to be a negative thing.

I’ve been so gung ho about AA, lost in the texts and the routines, that I’ve left out the piece where I make my own routine. The routine that will be my life. When I’m at the point where I’m not attending meetings daily. When I’m not in rehab constantly examining my own thoughts, actions, and behaviors. I have to learn to live on my own time, in my own space, and most importantly, be happy there.

So, I lay across the couch, afghan over my legs, cat snuggled on my lap, and watched a movie. Sober.

It was so nice, I cannot even begin to tell you. In my stillness, I was able to appreciate all that I’d done for myself, and others, this past week. All the energy, well spent. And now, spent little me, enjoying a respite, in sobriety, and not crawling out of my skin.

In that moment, in that peace and quiet, I realized that for the first time in a long time I had actually recognized I was tired. My body told me to rest, and not by crashing into bed via drunken blackout. My body let me know, gently, but sternly, that there has to be a moment to let the world turn, to process everything that’s been in hyper-drive of late.

This week I’ve learned, that if I’m going to make endless to-do lists for sobriety, I need to add a new bullet point:

  • Let the world spin madly on…

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