Day 21: Only The Lonely

If you go to enough AA meetings, heck, if you sit at a bar long enough, you’ll realize that most alcoholics have one thing in common: They’re lonely.

The thing about the alcoholic’s loneliness is, they don’t have to be alone to feel that way. And, much of the time, they isolate themselves deliberately.

I myself am testament to this phenomenon. It’s almost as though I quarantined myself because, after consuming more than five alcoholic beverages, I knew what could be expected of me. And, rather than stop before getting to that point, I decided that being alone would suit me just as well. Then, after those five vodka and sodas or five glasses of wine, I was miserable, wondering how I’d ended up all by my lonesome at the pub or a restaurant bar. A Catch 22.

So, I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised in sobriety that I tend to gravitate toward the same anti-social behaviors that I’ve practiced for so long.

I find myself here, living through another sober weekend. Yet again, exhausted from a long, and emotionally draining week. And even with a full schedule of meetings, classes, household chores, and writing assignments from both my rehab center and my sponsor, I’ve still managed to arrive at that lonely place throughout the day.

So, I took myself to the gym, made dinner, watched an episode of Mad Men, and now, I have to sit with the emptiness that liquor creates, but never seems to fill.

It’s uncomfortable, to just sit with this feeling, no end (or drink) in sight. Today, I’m proud that I have the power to step back and see that, at the very least. The power to say no to a drink. Proud that I can own this feeling.

But, sometimes it isn’t enough. Even after two AA meetings, a brief visit to see my sponsor, a yoga class, the gym…I’m still tired and lonely. And, I accept that some nights, some weekends, that’s going to happen.

So, I’m gonna call this one. And head to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.

And, I don’t anticipate the morning feeling quite so alone. Tomorrow’s pot of coffee is prepped and ready to keep me company all morning long.

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