Today, it happened.
It is a difficult thing to explain, because nothing actually happened, but my universe shifted. The tilt so dramatic, that there were a few moments that I thought my heart might burst. Moments when tears came to my eyes because it had been so long since I have felt anything like this happiness.
After an awful weekend and a Monday to follow where anger seemed to seep through my pores, it was like monsoon clouds clearing from the sky of my mind and heart. Truly indescribable.
I’ve heard it said many a time in AA meetings, “this program gives you relief.” And, as I’ve spent more time in these rooms, my faith in them has certainly grown, but, the “relief” everyone spoke of, I just hadn’t gotten it. It’s no wonder that everyone is vague about its appearance in their lives. There is no explaining it, only that it exists. And, I was told that if I kept coming back and working my program, I could have it, I could get it.
Seeing my higher power at work was life changing. And, even if I only have this feeling for today, I am in so much gratitude for what I have been given today. A break from great struggle, a vision of what the world truly looks like in the sun. No drink could give me this. This clarity. This beauty. This alignment of time and space.
I have worked so diligently to try and turn my will over to my God. To accept whatever I am meant to be given, no matter what my own designs for myself. And in that submission, that blind faith, I have received more than I ever thought imaginable. Relief is not a good enough word.
I can only say at this moment, that to Alcoholics Anonymous I will forever be grateful. This program has redefined what I thought was possible in my life, so far beyond putting down the drink. And, as I continue to move forth and work the steps, I will look forward to giving this program away to someone else.
Today I live in the light. And if tomorrow my world should become dark again, I will remember today, because it is an infinite gift that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.