This past week, I’ve been incredibly successful turning my will over to God.
It’s been easy. I didn’t realize how much I wanted to let go of in my life. And, I didn’t realize that I could. It’s in these moments of blind trust that I am most scared, but, upon turning their corners, lies unexpected beauty around the bend.
What’s also strange and amazing, is that to give it over is not simply one thing. It isn’t just reckless abandon of all my fears and thoughts. It had become a discussion between my creator and I. A conversation in which I, too, learn things. There have been moments this week where my intuition told me to go one way, and I hesitated. For me it is still hard sometimes to decipher between intuition and fear. For so long, the words were synonymous in my vocabulary. This week I’ve seen God intervene when I went with my intuition, erroneously. In those moments of intervention, it felt like disappointment, but after further reflection, I realized that I have to trust my own gut from time to time, and in turn, trust that if my gut is wrong that God will be there to pull me back before the hammer truly falls.
This lesson in particular, for me, is a good one. It allows me not only to trust others, but, to trust myself. Sobriety is still tenuous ground. Soft and unsure. Wreckage to thrill ride in a matter of minutes.
What still makes my heart warm and bright is the mere fact that I get to be present for all this. I am sober. Here. In the room. On the street. Driving down the road. My blood pulsing in my veins. And, I get to feel it. Feel the fear, confusion, sadness, hope, and euphoria.
I get to give it all away, and then have it return to me ten fold.
As I sort through the gifts of this week, all before my 30 Day mark, tears swell in my eyes (even as I type this). What a gift my life has become! I sat once, so down trodden. Lost and fearful. And, I know, I know, I know that moments such as those will return, and then leave me again. I know.
But, today, with the sun shone bright in the Pacific Northwest sky, crisp air, reminding my body it is awake, I will take the time to thank God for the gifts of this month of sobriety that approaches its end and pushes forward, into a new, uncharted yonder.
The future, ever brighter!