Day 28: Ill Will

Nope, not the ill will you’re thinking about. Just ill.

It’s officially fall here in Portland, OR and the cool air has taken its toll. I’m not sure if it’s the nippy mornings, the over abundance of cigarette smoke on the porch in the morning before the sun rises, or the magical debris I’ve inhaled as a result of turning my gas heat on, but, I’m sick.

And, I’m fucking grumpy.

After an amazing week, it’s rough to hit the weekend and feel shitty. It’s also taking me to a strange mental zone that I hadn’t expected. An alcoholic zone. I’ve been so preoccupied with the good things (which is amazing!) that, to find myself in a funk is taking me back to some old depressive stomping grounds.

I want to hole up in this apartment, close all the blinds, crawl under the blankets and isolate. Sound familiar? Yeah, to me too. All I need is a bottle of Seagram’s Extra Smooth Vodka and it would be a perfect way to check the fuck out. Don’t worry. I’m not craving today, but, it’s strange how certain states of mind bring you to these dark places. How being alone can, sometimes in and of itself, incite loneliness. And, how that loneliness then takes my mind to using. Medicating. Illness.

Fuckin’ full circle, man.

So, today, I’m going to try to focus on being positive, despite feeling like shit. I’m meeting with my sponsor for our weekly meeting, going to the grocery store to get fixins for chicken soup, and then coming home and vegging out. I have to impress upon myself that just because I’m not physically well doesn’t mean it’s a bad day. It just means that I have to focus on self-care. I have to take stock of all the good things that my body has done for me recently, and go ahead and do something for it…mainly, give it a break.

So, no ill will toward my illness. Well, at least not my cold. My alcoholism, well, that’s another story for another day.


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