Head cold in full swing, my day moved a heck of a lot slower than anticipated.
I managed to get to my morning meeting. It’s always a great way to start the day, but, today, were it not for the six cups of coffee I gulped down, I may have nodded off.
Exhausted and out of it, I drove home. Made a few calls and cancelled plans I’d made with friends. As much as I wanted to get out and be social, my body cried for rest and more chicken soup. I ran a hot bath, and read my book. So, even though I may be unable to breathe through my nose, at least I’m relaxed. While I was initially stuck in my alcoholic mind when I got sick, I managed to regroup and really enjoy a sober night to myself. Being über girlie, sipping herbal tea and moisturizing.
Being at home with time to kill, gave me time to reflect on my meeting with my sponsor. In my mind, I found myself a few weeks back, when I was still really ambivalent about having a sponsor, and being a sponsee. It’s strange to attach yourself to a person that you don’t know especially well and, even more than that, confide in them about all your life’s going-ons. Especially your most private, intimate, and ugly moments. As a newcomer, I think it’s pretty fair to be intimidated by a relationship of that nature. Especially when I think about myself in my addiction. I didn’t want anyone to know anything about my life.
Yet, here I sit, one day away from a month of sobriety, feeling pretty amazing, save for the snot running out of my nose.
As I sat with my sponsor this week, I couldn’t help but think, this is wild. This chick knows all the crap that’s going on in my life right now. And, unlike three weeks ago, I am now really grateful for that relationship. Just a week ago she saved me, and my sobriety from crashing and burning. And, getting through that rough spot really allowed this week to open up into a new dimension of clarity. I trust her. And, that feels really, really good.
She’s not there to tell me what to do. She’s a resource for helping me do what I need, and want, to do. How many people in the world outside of AA have a person that they can tell pretty much anything and not worry about being judged? How many people have someone guiding them through perilous waters, asking for nothing in return? I know I didn’t before I got to this program, Alcoholics Anonymous.
This week’s message from my sponsor was that: I’m running the show. But, I’m new on the scene of sobriety and decisions that seem simple, aren’t necessarily so. Sobriety changes perspective and the dynamics of almost everything we alcoholics do.
And, it’s going to take awhile to learn to sail this ship properly. Even with all my little successes this week, I have to remember to check in and make sure I have my rudder set up correctly.