Day 37: Changing Of The Guard

Change. It’s hard. And, I’m guessing that’s why we humans are generally not too fond of it.

You don’t have to be sober or even trying to get sober to understand that concept.

But, I am getting sober, and, that change in and of itself is a lot to swallow. So, all the changes that go with this process, big and small, are pretty overwhelming for me. And, for the most part I’m taking them on and conquering them like a champ. I’ve managed to stay pretty positive throughout this process so far. And, while it’s been a lot for me to swallow, seeing the arc of my life change in such a short period of time is reason enough for me to keep the ball rolling.

But, like with everything else, impasses are abound. And I’m bracing myself for a change that I didn’t plan on, or even see coming.

My sponsor is no longer going to sponsor me.

After some discussion with her sponsor, she’s come to the decision that a sponsee isn’t in the best interest of her program right now. She still has step work that needs working, and she’s gotta do what she’s gotta do.

I’m taking this in stride. She’s not “dumping” me, as she put it. It really has nothing to do with me, and, if anything, it’s probably for the best. But, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t bummed, because, I’m totally disappointed. I really liked my sponsor. She’s smart, funny, wise, firm, well read, and we had comparable life experiences. We just worked well together. And now, it’s time for yet another change. A change that I didn’t choose for myself. A change I wasn’t prepared to work into my plan.

As I sit on the couch thinking about this, half attempting to wallow in the dreaded self-pity AA so vehemently urges us to part with, I realize that this situation is exactly what this program is about. It’s about dealing with the unexpected. It’s about recognizing where you have control and where you don’t. Where things are in your best interest and where they’re not. It’s not about something I did or didn’t do. It’s about someone else and what they need. She’s got to respect herself and her recovery before all else. Wouldn’t I do the same? There lies the point. If it’s not about me, then, it’s probably best not to make it about me. We know how that story ends.

So, instead of wallowing, I reflect on how this is what’s supposed to happen. My higher power at work.

I meet my new potential sponsor tomorrow. She works the same program as my former sponsor, so, I can only imagine that she’s just as grounded. And, I’m actually kinda excited about it. I’ve hit my 30 Day benchmark, and then some. I’ve done a lot of work. And, it’s time. I’m going to let this new change be a jumping off point for even more good things to come into my life.

I’m ready to work these steps, work ’em hard. So, that’s what I’m going to do.

While it may be a change that’s uncertain and unexpected, I know what I have to do.

I’m gonna turn it over, again and again because you know what? I’m not the one running the show.

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