Day 41: Romancing My Will

Ah, sweet romance…in sobriety a joy and a confusion.

With ups and downs, lefts and rights, zigs and zags, sobriety has been one crazy ride. And, that’s with little distraction. Sobriety and the pursuit thereof has encompassed the majority of my life as of 41 days ago. So, when a little surprise dropped in my lap, well, it’s hard to know how to commence.

When faced with a romance working a program in the early stages of AA, you get a lot of crap from folks. Most everyone recommends that you don’t get involved with anyone until you’ve got a year’s sobriety under your belt. Obviously, this suggestion is not adhered to very strictly at all.

You take booze away from a bunch of fucking drunks and addicts and they’re going to fill that void. Sometimes with chocolate. Sometimes with sex. More often than not, both.

I’d made no plans one way or the other. My journey into the sober abyss has always been in pursuit of happiness. And, if happiness shows up in the form of a handsome, sober man, well, I’m not going to run the other way. It’s been my experience that life’s lessons are learned by living. And, now that this opportunity, at least that’s how I see it, has shown itself, I want to test out all the new skills and attitudes that I’ve adopted.

I’m scared. Sure. This is new territory. My last relationship was long, deep, and all consuming. It was also riddled with booze and drugs. And, its demise, though I hadn’t seen it back then, had a lot to do with our substance abuse. Our constant disconnect from one another. Our inability to communicate in a healthy way, if at all.

So, I’m treading lightly. I’m not assigning any expectations to this man. I’m exercising rigorous honesty, with myself first, and yes, with him too. I don’t want to fall into the same traps or make the same mistakes that I did before. And, I know that these promises I’ve been making to myself, since I got clean and sober, have to be kept.

My new dude, whatever he is to me presently, knows that sobriety is my priority. And, that has to be the truth. It can’t just be something I say. Action. Doing. I’ve made a living amends to myself, and it has to start here. I have to take daily inventory of where I’m at with this guy. Evaluate what’s happening, and, make sure that I’m ok with it. If I’m not, I have to have the courage to change it. And, if I can’t, I have to be ok with jumping ship. That’s a pretty scary promise to make to yourself. But, I’m willing. This is the new me. And, this is my program. This is my life. And, suddenly I’m proud to be living it. It’s such a difference, and, a blessing.

The truth is, I don’t know exactly where I stand with this dude just yet. I don’t know where this is going. I’ve turned it over to God. I’m living in the present. No future tripping. No bending boundaries. No losing my head. I’m checking in with myself. And, isn’t that everything? Isn’t that all the lessons I’ve learned? It’s not up to me. I just have to make sure that I’m comfortable and sober. That’s all I know.

God will put me where I need to be. I trust that. In sobriety, I have the ability to trust that. I’ve seen and experienced it.

Oh, and, in this moment. I’m fucking happy. Did I mention that?

Oh, dang. Happiness.

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