Day 45: The Deviant Path

Today started off shrouded in love and comfort.

At my 7AM AA meeting the topic was Step 11: Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood God, praying only for knowledge of God’s will for us and the power to carry that out.

I left the meeting feeling blessed to have found my higher power as a result of this program. Never in my life have I felt as cared for as I have in the last month and a half. Turning to my God for the guidance I never knew was available to me is beyond value. Even when I am at my lowest point, in my apartment, or car, or walking the streets of Portland, I no longer feel alone. And, even in my moments of hopelessness, I can dig deep down and find the comfort of knowing that, whatever it is I’m going through is meant to serve a purpose. I now have the ability to see that my own darkness can turn to light, if I am only patient.

As my day went on, things began to turn. Everyone I encountered turned into a resentment. Little things. Big things. Old and new hurt. It crept in. And while it didn’t remove God’s presence which had appeared so resoundingly, earlier in the morning, it made me question my spiritual fitness.

I have spent a goodly amount of each day devoting my thoughts and prayers to God. Asking that he help me to stay on this path that he’s set in front of me. And, this afternoon, each thought that entered my mind. Each judgement of another. Each little quip I silently blurted out. Each one, just took me further and further from the path I have so diligently tried to stay on, one crooked step at a time. No matter how carefully I attempted to place each foot in front of the other.

After my women’s group at treatment, I went to the gym, for the second time today. I went to pray. I went to beat myself up for an hour. Begging God for compassion, understanding, and patience. I searched for a reason that would explain why this anger and resentment just continued to stack up in my gut. Polluting my thoughts and feelings. And, still am dumbfounded by the fact that I just couldn’t release it. Couldn’t do a good deed to counter or outweigh it.

So, tonight, I sit here making an inventory of all the bad thoughts and all the inaction of this strange and messy day. And, now that it’s over and done, the best I can do is more of Step 11.

I will seek my God out. Ask that he help me to see his will, and help me to live the way I ought to. I’ll pray. I’ll meditate. And hope that tomorrow, when the sun rises, it will light his path. And, I pray that I can turn my feet in the right direction and walk solidly forward. Leaving today and it’s white noise where it belongs:

Behind me.

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