So, today will conclude my week long rant on resentments, I promise.
You may be surprised to read that, today’s installation of the resentment saga actually has, oh dang, get ready for it, a resolution.
Holy shitballs Batman! I’m taking some action. And, much like yesterday’s post on the Two Week Prayer, this action kinda smarted, something fierce.
Sometimes, I have to just swallow my pride. Bite the bullet. It’s like procrastinating for that big paper you had to write in college. You know it’s gotta get done. You know it’s gonna suck. You know it’s going to take effort. But, you’ll just stew and and stew and stew on that shit until it’s absolutely necessary, and then you resign yourself to the fact that you have take action and write the fucking thing.
Well, I’ve stewed on my resentments all week. Stewed, chewed, cussed, complained, prayed, bust my ass at the gym, you name it…I did it. And, none of those things, not one, made them go away. It’s time, my friends, to buckle down and write that fucking paper.
Sometimes you just have to face things. That’s where this shit gets real. There are some things that you cannot think your way out of, most things actually, and I know, it’s sad fact but a true one.
So, I’m taking action on my resentments. I’ll spare you the laundry list and how I’m going to resolve them all. Because, as it turns out, this is a blog and not ‘Ulysses.’
Here’s just one example:
An old fair weather friend from the pub, who has not contacted me via any avenue (text, phone, email, facebook, nada!), since I got sober, called and left me a plaintiff message this week. He’s in the hospital with a pretty serious staph infection. He said that the hospital is lonely, and visitors are welcome and he “just wanted to let me know what’s going on.”
My first thought: Fuck you dude. I’ve been struggling for close to two months, I used to hang out with you on the regs at the bar. And, I didn’t get a call, a fucking visit, or a check in. And, I sure as fuck didn’t call you to “just let you know” how I was, on many occasions, about to go muthafucking crazy.
After accumulating, just a few, selfless thoughts in regard to my initial fury, I thought better of this reaction. As angry as I am that this guy didn’t show up for me, in order to resolve this resentment, I have to fucking show up for him. I know it. I’ve known it since I got the call. And, it kills me. PAINS me even. But, you know what? I’m going to be the bigger man, man. After my noon AA meeting Saturday, I am going to the hospital. Equipt with snacks, maybe a magazine or two, and some fucking compassion, even if I have to fake it. Because doing the next right thing is a part of recovery. And, all the resentment in the world isn’t going to keep me from moving forward.
God has blessed me with so many good things. And, despite my old buddy’s insensitivity to my situation, he needs a friend. I can totally relate. It sucks being alone when you feel like crap. Hospitals are scary. Fuck, staph infections are scary. I’m gonna show up for this guy, and, maybe he learns a little lesson too. Maybe. But, I won’t bank on it, because it’s not likely, and truly, it’s not the reason I’m going.
So, like a little, angry dove of peace, I’m gonna grip that olive branch in my little, angry beak.
And, whaddya know, just like that, my resentment flies away……