Day 56: You May Say That I’m A Dreamer

Dreams. They’re baaaaaaaaaaaaaaack.

While having dreams means that I’m finally getting some REM sleep, after what feels like ages, it turns out that it’s a double edged sword.

Why you ask? Because, they’re not just dreams. They’re nightmares. Bad ones.

During my recent, successful attempts at sleep, I’ve still woken up a few times. And, in my waking moments, I’ve been able to register what’s going on in my sleeping head. None too pleasant, let me tell you, people. And, after begging, pleading, and trying all my little tricks at getting some shut-eye, now, I’m not so sure I want to go back to sleep.

I’ve woken with the sweats, in a panic, disoriented, and gasping for air.

They’re not drinking dreams either. Though, I’m sure that the fact that most of my nightmares revolve around water, is telling of something. I’m just not sure what. I’ve been online, looking up interpretations on the subject, but, as you may imagine, it’s pretty vague and subjective. Many sites lean toward defining water in dreams as denoting your emotional and subconscious state, based on the role water plays in the dream.

So, near drowning in a Whole Foods bathroom? And, being stuck on a large boat with a bloodied person, no escape, and fishermen sorting fish in large plastic bins all around me? Where does this leave me? What does it mean? I’m not sure I even want to fathom a guess.

I will say this, I’m getting rest. And, for that, I’m grateful. My exhaustion was truly reaching an apex where I thought I might have to get prescription drugs, which, I am pretty firmly against.

And, while my nightmares have been semi-terrifying and have left me feeling uneasy as I wake and start my day, they’ve got me thinking.

I’ve devoted so much time to breaking myself down in terms of the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions in AA, and focusing on the concepts of self-awareness that my rehab center has put before me, that I’ve forgotten to do a thorough investigation of myself and my psyche from a strictly personal and individual standpoint.

I’ve never been one for astrology or dream analysis, but, these dreams, well, they’re pretty hard to ignore.

Even before getting sober, when I was still sleeping fairly regularly, albeit on a completely different time schedule, I never dreamed in this way. It’s haunting. And, I think it’d be foolish to brush these nightmares off to the side without some examination. Something’s going on here, and, I’m going to make a little side project of figuring out exactly what the thing is that my brain is trying, so aggressively, to tell me.

So, here goes, into what I assume will be another watery evening.

Time to get my dream journaling on! Oy. I feel 15 years old just typing those words.

Dreamweaver, I believe you can get me through the night…

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