Sundays have always messed with my head.
It’s a day off, sure, but, with Monday directly following it, I just can’t relax.
I have the whole evening ahead of me, yet, here I sit. Playing the whole week out in my head. Talk about living in the moment. Jeez, I am so far out of this moment right now, I don’t even know where I am.
I’m here on my couch crocheting one minute, my cat snuggling behind me, and the next I’m in treatment tomorrow afternoon, hoping I’ll get to talk to my friend who hasn’t called me back all weekend. I’m in the grocery store getting paper towels. I’m at Kinko’s photocopying sheet music for the Christmas carol rehearsal midweek. I’m at my women’s meeting fulfilling my coffee commitment tomorrow at 6PM. I’m getting my two month coin Wednesday at 7AM.
And, suddenly, I’m overwhelmed. I haven’t moved an inch. But, I’m here, freaking out.
This is where I appreciate the fact that I’m sober. Take three deep breaths and bring myself back into the room.
With a milestone in sobriety coming up, this feeling of being out of control, well, let’s just say: it’s not cute. The weeks leading up to my 30 Day coin were fucking spectacular. One perfect sunrise after the other. Turning my will over to God, completely, daily. Having God show up for me in funny and amazing ways. It was all so, fabulous.
Now, the Portland rains have come. It’s gloomy and damp. Everyone is readying themselves for the wet winter. And there’s been this strange, inexplicable shift. I still turn it over to my higher power, every day. God is still here with me, I feel it. I still feel blessed, though, it’s not quite the trip it was in those first 30 days. I have to hang on to that blessed feeling, tight. It suddenly feels volatile, maybe even temporary. This month has been hard. The “pink cloud” has drifted on, and, the reality sets in.
I’m sober. And, I gotta do this thing.
The reality is, my life is still as good as when I got my 30 days. All the logistics are the same. It’s me who’s a bit shaky. Everything’s in its right place. But, I feel a little out of control. Off-center. Out to sea.
So, as I sit here, truly harnessing every sane thought I have available to me right now in order to write this post, I know I have to take it easy.
Gotta get back to the basics of this program I’m working. I have to be here in this moment. Now.
I don’t have to drink today. I’m not going to drink today. I just have to get through today.
Sunday Bloody Sunday.