Day 58: From The Moment I Wake Up, I Say A Little Prayer For You

“Get on your knees and pray.”

You’ll hear that a lot if you start going to AA meetings. And, at first, it might bug you. I know it bugged me. Even though I consider myself a bit more spiritual than the next person, there’s something about being told to pray that sounds inorganic and inauthentic to me. When I first entered the rooms of AA nine months ago, the sometimes intense spiritual aspect of the program was one of the things that scared me away.

I thought to myself then, if I’m a semi-believer and they’re going to try to push this prayer thing on me, how must the non-believer feel? The whole idea offended me. So, I checked out and went back to the bottle. My own sad service of vodka, soda, and limes.

After hitting my bottom, returning to AA was my only option, at least that’s how it felt. So, a little prayer here and there, well, I could do that if it meant I’d stay sober. I remember thinking that I could just breeze over the spiritual aspect of the program and work on the other steps. How wrong I was.

Had I known the joy, relief, humility, and safety that finding my higher power would provide, I certainly would not have left the rooms nine months ago. Prayer isn’t church. It’s a concept that’s lost on so many people. Connecting with a higher power, your higher power to be more specific, is what you want it to be. You can get there via whatever road you’re comfortable traveling. And, that’s kinda the beauty of it. There’s no right or wrong way, so long as you seek a way.

I’ve always believed in something bigger than this world. I’m not sure I knew what it was, or that I could even possibly begin to know now. But now, my higher power has shown itself to me. So, whatever it is, who it is, I know where to turn.

Right before I got my 30 days, I remember having a rough day. As I went to bed, I just spoke out loud, to someone, I didn’t know who it was then, and, even though I’ve spoken to that power many times since, I still don’t know who it is now. I just know that I was heard. And, so came my joy, my pink cloud, my relief. And, even though recent days have been more difficult, I know that I haven’t been forsaken.

I pray. And, I know I am heard. I can’t tell you how I know. But, I know.

I will never tell someone to get on their knees and pray. I would never want them to feel the way I felt about prayer those first couple of meetings at AA that scared me away. But, I will tell you, that prayer did save me. And, it’s a spiritual awakening that you won’t want to miss.

Prayer, to me, is simple. It is asking for help and it is being grateful. And, those are two states you will find me in often these days.

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