I’m a shy little critter.
It’s a self confidence thing. I don’t put it out there, until it’s safe to put it out there.
Those cats that can command a room full of strangers, addressing them with boisterous confidence and wit, I just don’t trust ’em. And, maybe that’s one of my character defects right there. But, I’ll be honest, it’s always been my view that if you have to parade yourself around like a Shakespearean actor in front of a group you hardly know, you’ve got issues. But hey, join the club.We all have our shit. Our ways of masking and hiding what we really are to make ourselves comfortable.
In my rehab group, there’s been a whole lot of drama recently. And, let me tell you, we’ve got quite the cast of characters. It’s very entertaining most days. But, the most recent situation to cause waves is actually quite serious. A member of our group, and our small recovery community, was dealing drugs.
Ever since the news hit the wire in our little, addicted ecosystem, shit has been crazy up in dis piece. As it turns out, some other people from our group knew this was going on, others didn’t know, and there’s been a heck of a lot of finger pointing, shouting, othering, and, well, just plain d-r-a-m-a.
Now, I, little ol’ me, have just been sitting in the community room on the couch observing all this go down. (I should state here, that I had no idea that this behavior was taking place.) And, after the shit hit the fan, watching the cast of characters get all up in arms has been, I’ll be honest, extremely entertaining. But, the reality is, at the end of the day, all entertainment aside, this situation has been very upsetting for me, and everyone really.
All our sobriety has been compromised. And, it’s infuriating. This is a community that we’ve all joined voluntarily. There are no court ordered members among us. And, it was my understanding that the people in this community wanted to get sober. I accept that people will struggle, even relapse, that’s a part of this process sometimes, but, dealing? No fucking way.
We had a group meeting to address the recent event. Our facilitators encouraged us to be frank about what we were feeling, how we felt about secrets in the community, ect. And, people, let me tell you something, a nut blew in my brain. After months of sitting quietly, meek, little withoutaglass, sitting in the corner, I fucking exploded. And, it was epically amazing.
I turned five shades of red. The facilitators sat back in their chairs. The other clients looked at me in awe as if it were the first time I’ve ever opened my mouth.
I ranted. I wanted to let everyone know, that I didn’t quit my fucking job, give up all my friends, activities, my life, goddamnit, to get sober in a place where every day my sobriety was threatened. From the war stories in the group room, to the negative attitudes towards certain counselors, classes, and groups. And, now, this, fucking dealing drugs?!? Step the fuck off people. I said, you all need to know that I enrolled myself in this facility to get, and stay, sober. And, if you can’t respect yourself enough to keep things in line, that’s your problem, but, do not fuck with my fucking sobriety. ‘Cause I’m working hard for this shit. And, if you’re not, then I want nothing to do with you. So stay out of my way.
Then, almost the whole group spoke individually about how they appreciated my tirade. How they felt the same way. How things need to change. It felt amazing. And, all I had to do was just say what was in my head. Who fucking knew?
Sometimes, you just gotta speak the fuck up. Maybe you’re not the ham of the group, but, all those words that keep rolling in your head, they’re worth a damn.
So, fucking sing out.