With no commitments to focus on, other than sobriety of course, things can get monotonous.
The day-in-day-out devotion to staying clean and sober is great, don’t get me wrong. I am so, so grateful for the ability, the luxury really, to be able to devote my full time and effort to my recovery. But, that being said, I do find myself wondering what getting back to “real life” is going to be like. What’s that going to look like? It’s scary and exciting.
As I mentioned in my Day 41 post, I’ve embarked on a romantic endeavor. And, much to my surprise, it’s still moving forward. I really could not be more comfortable and happy with how things have commenced. I’ve managed to maintain my focus on sobriety without getting lost in my feelings for this man. Which makes me proud, because I’m teaching myself to live in a healthy, productive way, without escaping into someone else. But, more important than that, I’m happy and satisfied. We’ve taken things slowly and gently, and somehow, it still feels right without being overly cautious. It’s adult. Something that I’m still learning how to be, apparently.
My past relationships have been rooted in discontent, childlike and tenuous. And, even my long term relationship, for as lengthy as it was, had this unspoken missing piece. Something that alcoholism both contributed to, and then brought forward, ultimately ripping us apart. It was the thing that broke me, tore my life apart, drove me to the darkest drinking days I will ever see (I hope!). But, it also taught me something valuable. In sobriety, I can look back and see what I did wrong, what I did right, what I can and should take responsibility for, also, the things that were done to me that I can no longer tolerate. There’s a word for this feeling: Growth.
With a new set of tools, a new outlook on the world of relationships, and a new man to test the waters with…well, things really couldn’t be going better. And, there are some mornings that I wake up, look at the ceiling, and wonder: When is the shit going to hit the fan? It’s that fatalist part of me, gripping for a stronghold, chewing at my self esteem, and prodding the inward understanding of my heart. My sickened, addict mind (which is still in there y’all!), just cannot accept that maybe, just maybe, my healthy, positive, sober mind is capable of happiness. That sick mind doesn’t want me to get there, because if I do, then the thought of taking that first drink becomes less important. The less pain to numb, the less desire for that drink.
I know what you’re thinking, and don’t worry. I’m not letting my guard down. I know that I have to keep my wits about me at all times. I know that no matter how happy, healthy, and situated I am, the drink problem will always be there, waiting for me to crack. I haven’t forgotten. My priorities are still right where they need to be. But, romance sure is a swell distraction.
Being surprised daily is one of the huge rewards of working a program. Just when I think I’m plateauing, God throws a little gem my way. A surprise date that sparks my interests and warms my heart. Catching a glance across the room in a crowded AA meeting from someone who, I can honestly say, cares about me. It’s more than a surprise, it’s the opening of the door that Step 3 in the 12 and 12 talks about, “Practicing step three is like opening a door which to all appearances is still closed and locked. All we need is a key, and the decision to swing the door open.” (Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, pg.34)
Turning my will over to my God, has opened so many doors. Not the least of which has been the door to my heart. God has given me a spiritual awakening that sets my heart off into fireworks. And, all I had to do was open up that door and let him, and this new man, in.
Every hokey pop song has its prophecy. Sometimes, they’re spot on. Thanks Katy.
“Maybe a reason why all the doors are closed, so you could open one that leads you to the perfect road. Like a lightening bolt, your heart will glow, and when it’s time you’ll know…” Firework- Katy Perry