Day 66: Careful What You Wish For

Here’s my high horse.

Here’s me climbing off it.

Shit. I am so fucking spiritually unfit. Tonight, I’m devoting the better part of my evening to prayer and meditation, Step 11 style.

I’m in a low place today people. I realized last night just how far off the mark I am. And, it took me down a notch. Thinking you’re working a good program is different from actually working a good program. You can sing about your spiritual experiences and successes until the cows come home, but, until you truly admit where your efforts have gone asunder, you really haven’t made the progress you claim. At least, that’s how things are going in my little world.

I told y’all how I started saying the two week prayer in Day 46’s post. And, I’ve kept up with that. Truly, it did lessen my resentment toward the people I prayed for, and I swear that I prayed earnestly. I continue to pray. And, low and behold, you know that happened?

My prayers fucking worked.

I prayed for the happiness and success of two people that I have particularly strong resentments toward. And, last night I found out that these people were awarded a very big honor. I don’t have to be in contact with either of them to know that they are extremely happy, blessed, and thrilled about the thing that has happened for them. For them, this is wonderful.

What I learned about myself upon hearing of their success, is that I’m still a resentful soul. Even though I prayed for the happiness and success of these two people, upon hearing the news of their accomplishment, my heart sank. I’ve learned that praying for them hasn’t removed my resentment at all, it’s just made me feel better about it. Instead of being thrilled that my higher power heard my prayer, showering these two with the thing they desired and deserved, I’m, well, resentful.

What a fucking paradoxical malady of the spirit. The intention of good. The reality of the ill will. And, it’s not that I would have this success taken from them, that would certainly not make me feel any better. But, I would feel better if, well, I felt better for them. I want to be happy for them. I just, can’t.

I can think of nothing more to do than to seek out my higher power. Thank my God for providing the thing that I asked for, thank him for listening. And then, ask that he help me to be grateful, and to help me escape my ill will.

My prayers worked. So, back to the drawing board. Which, clearly, is prayer.

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