‘What I have written, I have written’ -Pontius Pilate; John 19:21-22
In or out of context, this is a really powerful statement.
In sobriety, whilst trying to change so much, there are times that I’m struck with the thought: What’s done is done. There are things for which to make amends, there are things that can be changed or fixed. There is a whole new life, broad and limitless ahead.
But, there’s what’s done as well. Unchangeable. Written.
And, lately, I’ve found a lot of acceptance. Not because I’ve been seeking it, but, because I’m weary of replaying so many things in my head. The tape between my ears is worn, and the sound quality is becoming scratchy. My head still wants to stay in certain places, but, the rest of me, it wants out. And, in that space, there isn’t really much positivity. There isn’t really negativity either, to be honest. It’s become an emotional dead zone.
My past, it’s done. All the things I’m glad for, I’ve been wrecked over, that have informed my life and character, they’re gone. They live in the synapses of my brain. But, there’s no tangibility any longer. And the desperate compulsion to hang on, to rewrite it, to go back and tell myself what the right thing was, or, to enjoy that moment, because it will be over all too soon. It just can’t be done.
The closer I get to my higher power, the more I want to stay there with him. In a place where I have sanctuary. Where the time continuum is suspended, and, nothing matters. No dots on a line, nothing to miss or gain. Just existence. Like meditation, getting away from this thing that is being written, daily. This script that, tomorrow, will have been read.
The truth of the matter is, you can’t take things back. If you did them, they’ve been done.
AA is teaching me to move forward. And, for that, I am grateful and truly excited. So, as the nostalgia of the holidays and the presence of my family draws me into the past, I have to be sure to stay in tune with my higher power. Pray for the new sentences I write to be worthy of reading tomorrow with joy and pride.
And, as for the past that’s behind me, however those pages read…well, it’s too late to worry about those chapters now.
What I have written, I have written.