Yup, women still piss me off.
Don’t ask me why I have such difficulty relating to my own sex, but, I really fucking do.
My sponsor has been having me go to this women’s meeting with her at a fellow AA’s house. It’s a fairly decent sized meeting, usually around 10-12 ladies. Which, for the living room we congregate in, is sizable. Oh, and there are usually two crazed dogs and one relentlessly active and incessantly vocal child.
This meeting is the truest test of my patience. That is the only reason I go back. I have to harness every drop of Chi I fucking have to stop myself from ripping the hair out of my head. I feel like I’ve entered some strange estrogen fueled war zone every time I turn the door knob and enter. There’s no amount of free coffee, fresh baked goods, or fucking personal serenity in the world to make this meeting worth it. And, I’m thinking about talking to my sponsor about it.
I know, I know. It’s good to be around other women, especially when they make you uncomfortable. I know that all the little distractions and petty bullshit is supposed to test my nerves, to try me. I know my patience is something that I need to work on. But, this meeting is a weekend ruin-er.
In all seriousness, it’s not just the petty shit that gets to me at this particular meeting. It’s the group itself. This group of women, just hasn’t accepted me. I’ve been attending it long enough that, it’s time. Most of the other ladies, while close to me in age, have a bit more sobriety than I do. And, yes, most of them lack the enthusiasm I do. It’s been awhile since any of them were excited about sobriety. Sure, they’re a grateful bunch. But, they look at me as if I don’t know what’s coming. Like I’m a fool. I feel judged. When I share, I feel like most of them are barely listening. And, the ones who are, can barely hear me over the little tike’s screams and the dogs galloping across the floor.
The other women’s group I attend is so upbeat. We talk about real things. I feel like the old timers there are thrilled to see my elation as I work my program and see/get the results and the gifts. And, maybe it’s because we’re at an official meeting place in a church basement, maybe it’s because all those distractions that test my patience are absent, but, it’s at that meeting that I really feel the spirit of AA. The community of the fellowship, and, the female camaraderie in particular.
I’m still on the fence. I know that patience and tolerance are things I need to work on. But, at what point does feeling like shit defeat the benefit of leaving your comfort zone? I also need to work on setting boundaries.
I’ll give it a few more weeks, but, it may be time for me and my crochet hook to move the fuck on.