I love the term squirrely.
I’d never heard the word used really before attending AA meetings, but, now I use it all the time. It encompasses so many feelings. That urge to drink. That nagging feeling in the back of my head that something isn’t quite right. Darting back and forth from decision to decision. Scrounging for something. It’s just such a great multipurpose term that encapsulates my mood today completely.
I’m not itchin’ to drink, but, I am, however starting to get antsy about getting back to work. After my little week break to celebrate the holiday, returning to treatment feels different. And, as it starts winding down for me, I have that urge to do something. Something outside of my recovery that isn’t a hobby. And, trust me, I’ve crocheted enough shit.
I need to provide for myself again. And, normally, I think I’d be panicked about this revelation. But, having worked through so many emotions and associations that relate to my alcoholism, I feel like I’m in a really great place to get back to work. My mindset is totally driven. And, I’m not even looking to take on the world just yet.
I’d settle for a little part time job somewhere, just so that I can get my bearings in the world. And, it is a new world for me. Sobriety has changed everything about how I live my life, the kind of people I want to surround myself with, the way I think about my place in the world and how I want to commence into it.
I don’t have that fear of not having the best job anymore. I’m tired of worrying about judgement. And, that aspect of my psyche, as it’s changed in recovery, is one of the most heartening. I know what I’m capable of, but, I also don’t feel that pressure to be the best of the best, at least right now. I have long term plans for my life in employment and business, but, right now, I just want to focus on getting out there. Putting my best foot forward. And, I know that these new steps I’m going to be taking are far more solid than any I’ve taken in the work force before, at least in the last 12 years.
So, today, I have to tell the little squirrel in me to be patient. We’re almost there. But, not quite.
Like gathering nuts for the winter though, it’s always good to be prepared.