My sponsor asked my to write down what my higher power “looked like.”
At first, I was really put off by this assignment. Who is she to know about my higher power? Why on earth would how my higher appears and acts in my life interest her?
I felt immediately guarded. It was something private. Something I didn’t want to share. My relationship with my higher power is extremely personal. Perhaps the most personal thing I have. And, I didn’t think that it was something I could explain.
After coming home, I thought about my sponsor’s request. It was been my experience, thus far, that when my sponsor asks me to do something, or gives me an assignment that makes me uncomfortable or defiant, I’m probably going to benefit in some unexpected way. This has happened several times. So, rather than lash out about the fact that I didn’t want to let her in on my God’s manifestations in my life, I decided to do the assignment just for me. I wrote it with no intention of showing her. And, there it was, yet another revelation, in ink on paper.
Perhaps the greatest gift AA has bestowed upon me is a spiritual life I never thought possible. I thought I had lost God long ago. Given him up. And, while I never doubted that there was something bigger than myself in this world, I reigned myself to the fact that I would never know what it was and, henceforth, it didn’t matter. I put my trust in other people. My long term relationship, my family, and my own will. I never realized how limiting and powerless that made me. It left no room for growth, introspection, and most importantly: faith.
As I wrote what my higher power was to me, I realized that since I have really turned everything I have inside over to him, that my life has become better, so, so much better. Somehow, it has become manageable now that I’ve let go. I’ve released my iron grip on my own flawed plan. One which was, so clearly, not going to work. And, while it’s something I still struggle with, I realize that I need to let go of what others think of me. Even the important characters in my life. I cannot not let the world sit in judgement of me. It paralyzes me. And, the closer I become to my higher power, the more worthy I become in my own eyes.
I can see that there is a path I am meant to be on. I can also see, it isn’t a path I’ve laid down. I don’t need to lay the bricks, all I have to do, is walk it.
After I finished writing, I wanted to read it to my sponsor. My God is great. And, while my God is very different from my sponsor’s, if for no other reason than he is mine alone, I wanted to share his light and works in my life with her. So, I did. And it felt good.
Another step forward on a sturdy path, that I did not pave.