I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the greatest gift Alcoholics Anonymous has given me is my relationship with my higher power.
I thought I was destined to be a lone wolf. And, since rekindling my relationship with my God, I know that no matter how few people I feel that I have in my life, we will always, always, always be at least a pack of two.
The past few days, I’ve been low. There’s no reason for it, just an empty lost feeling that seems to be a reoccurring theme, even in recovery. Especially in recovery. Without a tall vodka and soda to take me away from myself and my self-imposed sense of doom, living in my own reality, however good it may appear outwardly, can be weighty.
I haven’t taken time to sit down and really focus on my spiritual life. Or, I should say, I haven’t made the time. And, I’m feeling the effects. I have that sense of abandonment that used to make me feel so lost. But, I’m not doing anything about it. And, somewhere deep down, I know that I haven’t been abandoned at all. That my God is right here with me, calling me. I feel the pull. But, I’m fighting it. I just don’t know why. Why I’m reluctant to turn to the one thing that has made all the difference.
I’ve always wanted a protector. A caregiver. Someone to watch over me. Tell me when I’m wrong, and praise me when I’m right. And, I’ve found all this. I don’t need to make an appointment, or dance around other people’s schedules to make it happen either. He’s right there. Before me, beside me, above, and below me. I just haven’t made the effort.
Perhaps it’s because there are quite a few things that I really want for myself right now. As I progress in my recovery, I can see myself much more clearly. The things I require, the things I deserve, and the things I desire. And, while it’s amazing to finally be able to see those things, enough so that I can make a plan that’s worthy of the life I am trying to live, I still have this fear that if I turn to my higher power, that I won’t be heard. And, when I say I won’t be heard, that’s a nice way of saying: I won’t get what I want.
I’m still selfish and self-involved. Not the same way I used to be, but, those defects still mill around in the lobby of my mind. And, I love my higher power so much, that, I’m afraid if I turn to him with these selfish and self serving things, that perhaps, he will forsake me. So, instead, I avoid contact and try to figure out a way to free my mind of these things that are not really important. And, if they are truly worthy desires, I must trust that God has it in his plan to see that my needs and wants are met.
God is not cruel. I lose sight of that sometimes because my view of the world is not quite right yet. I don’t trust enough. I don’t trust myself to know anything, much less another person. But, God, I should know better than to doubt him, when he has shown that he is with me, and loves me, time and time again.
So, tonight, I’m going to put myself back in the game. Trust that God is still there, watching over me, even in my moments of doubt.
Spiritual progress, not perfection. I have to cut myself and my higher power a little slack. Because I know one thing is certain, and that is that neither of us is going anywhere.