90 in 90. Keep Coming Back. One Day At A time. Just For Today. Read The First 164 Pages Of ‘The Big Book.’ Get A Service Position. Get A Sponsor. Work The Steps.
They told me what to do and I did it.
And, here I am, three months later. Sober.
The 12 Step Program of Alcoholics Anonymous works. I can’t tell you why or how. And, if I never figure it out, I simply won’t care. Whatever it is that this program has figured out, has changed my life, forever.
I would not have believed you if you told me in my drinking days that I would ever, ever, ever be able to go three months without taking a drink. Drinking was my whole world. My social life, my coping strategy, my obsession, and my ultimate comfort.
Now, my ultimate comfort is a room full of fucked up individuals working their asses off to be better people. To share their experience, strength, and hope with one another. They work to achieve personal goals, and, to achieve something I never understood until now: A community.
This past month has been the hardest yet. A struggle. A fight. But, whenever I’d hit a low, I recognized that it’s just me. My suffering. And, while that’s valid as all hell, I have come to see that there is a world of community and spirit that is so much bigger than I am. A place where, when I’m stuck in the wasteland of my own self pity, I’m needed and wanted. A place where I can go and help others, and in doing so, help myself.
Is that the secret of AA? I don’t know. It’s part of it though.
I had a hard day today. While my home group and my friends celebrated with me and around me, I know that this day is just another in a sea of many to come. And, I’ve had disappointments today. Important things that didn’t go my way. People that didn’t show up for me that I would have liked to have had there. But, having had that happen shows me just how effective this program is, because, instead of wallowing in the sadness that my heart feels, I can accept the things that I cannot change, I can work on changing the things I can, and I have some semblance of knowing the difference today.
This milestone in sobriety is full of gratitude, it isn’t the victory that I’d anticipated. It’s my acclimation into a world where it’s not all about me.
And, that’s still a doozy.