Day 93: Be Not Afraid

Finding some spiritual peace can change a lot of things, if not everything.

Having found some relief from the clutter and debris that’s been swirling in my head, I find myself playing the chicken and egg game.

Did my higher power help me find my sobriety or did my sobriety help me find my higher power? There’s no way to know. And, at the end of the day, it really doesn’t matter. Having them both, I can attest that my life is so far from whatever I’d imagined and planned for myself, before either showed up.

As time goes by though, my spiritual journey seems to grow and grow, taking some strange and unforeseen precedence. It seems pretty epic, this path of grace that seems to have unfolded before me. And, the more I focus on it, tend to it, the more intricate and mysterious it becomes. And, as a result, I want to go further. I’ve taken a dive into the bible, at first, purely for academic reasons. To read the text. To observe it as a moral guide that’s been spread across the ages. To see how both the professor and the devout Christian can be completely ensconced in it’s pages, lessons, and historical heritage.

But, as I read, I find myself falling into it, and not in the academic spirit with which I had approached it, now it’s turned into something different. A pull that I find difficult to verbalize. And, I’m not sure what that means. I grew up in a household that on one side scoffed at religion, and the other could take it or leave it, but, it was an option should I want to explore it. Of course, growing up, I didn’t. I was too busy with other things, other problems, attachments, and obligations.

But here I sit in the thick of it. And, in my interest, have decided to join a bible study with another AA member who has seen something in my spiritual side. Someone who, for some reason, understands my desire to go even further. He is an oldtimer. Not your traditional bible thumper. He’s a man with a keen wit and a off-color sense of humor. Before ever discussing religion with him, I knew that in the program of AA, he had something I wanted. A peaceful, knowing,  and wry tongue. A sense of comfort and ease I admired. I only hope I can talk and carry myself the way he does when I am an older woman.

This whole plan, a bible study, traversing a new landscape with a fellow AA member, discovering something uncharted…it feels almost magical and, above all, right. In all my days, I’ve never had the feeling that something that’s laced with such mystical divinity would feel so true and so concrete.

My beliefs, they’re changing. And whether that’s a result of my sobriety or something even larger at work, I still don’t know.

But, I’ve already learned the lesson that stepping out of my comfort zone onto a path that challenges me, this time maybe even the core of who I thought I was, may very well be worth it.

And, for whatever reason, I am able to step out onto this new, uncharted path, unafraid.

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