Day 95: You Don’t Want To Know, But, I’ll Tell You Anyway.

In today’s post, you’re going to hear about my crap.

So, abandon ship now if you like.

I had the day off from treatment today. I had a host of plans. Laundry, step work, meditation, prayer, cleaning…and I only got a few items accomplished. I spent the better part of the day crocheting on the couch, watching TV. My mind wanted me to feel guilty. I felt that pull. That shame in not getting to the things I planned. As I sat, I realized that I have to give myself a fucking break. Even in my recovery, I put all this crap on a pedestal. Get to the gym, journal, eat better, think better, be better.

I can never just be.

I talk about mindfulness all the time. And, I practice it. But, I can only be mindful in that moment I’ve set aside to be mindful in, amidst the tornado of other moments I’ve got to get to. And, today, I just pissed myself off. To the point where I feel like I need to just sit still for a week and do nothing. Accomplish nothing. Think about nothing. Just nothing. Even in my quiet moments the noise between my ears is so fucking loud. So, when I sat down to write here tonight, I decided I just need to put it out there. Put out all the things that have me tied in knots. Have them here, in black and white (or, gray and sea foam, as my WordPress layout would have it). Spout all that bullshit. Just so that it’s not stuck in the curling cavern of my mind. Maybe, just maybe, if I let it escape, it’ll let me be.

So here it is, some shit I need to get off my chest and out of my head. Maybe you can relate.

  • Going home, as I am, for Christmas

While I’m totally jazzed to see my family, I’m stressed about a lot of things. I’m unsure how to act and I’m equally unsure how my family is going to act around me. I know that, no matter what, it’s going to be OK, but, that uncertainty, that lack of control is killing me. I want to be able to plan out every temptation and trigger so that I can plan ahead. But, the truth is, I can’t do that. The best I can do is find out where I can attend meetings, and bring things to distract me. My walking shoes. My books. My crochet. My journal. I have so many things that are going to get me through the tough moments that may never come. It’s the best I can do. So, I need to let go, and let God. I can’t plan everything out. Not with my family, not anywhere.

  • Finding a job

I graduate from treatment on January 15th. And then, it’s on. I have to get back to work. I’m really antsy about it. I want to get back out there. I’m excited about living in the world outside of recovery. But, I’m scared it will take me awhile to find work. I’m scared that if I get a job quickly that it won’t suit me and I’ll be discontent again. I’m nervous about being the only sober person in a new, unfamiliar place. I’m worried I won’t make enough money. Blah, blah, blah. I just want to accept that I don’t need to be in a perfect job right now. I don’t have to end up at my life changing, career launching workplace right after leaving treatment. I just have to be useful, make a wage that can support my lifestyle, and that’s fucking it. This isn’t the end of anything or the beginning if I don’t want it to be.

  • Body Issues

I’m worried about how I look. I want so badly for everyone to see the change in me. But, the truth is, I don’t look all that different. In fact, I’m probably a few pounds heavier than this time last year. And, that’s not going to change overnight. No amount of crazy hours at the gym, no crash diet, nothing is going to make me look like the new person that I am. And, I have to accept that. I also have to realize, that no one who is of any importance to me in my life cares what I look like or is going to judge me. It doesn’t matter. And, all the things I want to change about my body, they don’t have to be accomplished on some crazy self-inflicted timeline. I need to stop being so hard on myself.

There they are. To name a few. And, it does feel better having written them down.

Now you know. I bet you don’t care. And, I’m fucking jealous of you. Really, I am.

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