Day 101: Tensions Run High

Maybe it’s just me, but, this week my inner Grinch is rearing its ugly head.

I’ve been battling with myself. Battling over which battles are worth fighting, and which I should just raise the white flag up for preemptively.

It seems pretty hypocritical, but, I’m getting really fucking impatient with people’s impatience. Especially in my rehab center. Perhaps it’s the stress of the holidays. And, if it is, I can totally relate. There’s a lot in the air right now that can drive anyone nuts, but, especially people in recovery. But, I’ve been working my ass off to stay sober and positive this holiday season. And while I may not be doing the best job ever, I’m trying. That’s a really big thing for me. The effort.

I can’t expect everyone to try and succeed. I can’t even expect that of myself. But, it’s the trying part. And, this dude in my treatment group, we constantly butt heads because our approach to recovery is like watching two high speed trains, going opposite directions, fire down the same track. And, usually, when it comes to him, I bite my tongue. My counselors in treatment have encouraged me to speak my mind when he causes me anxiety in group. But, there are some days and some situations where giving him feedback just doesn’t seem worth the conflict. Even though I know that I’ll stew on it in my own head, I know that anything I say to him, any advice I offer, will fall on deaf ears.

But, today, I let loose.

With all my personal stress building and building, resulting in a medical issue and extreme anxiety, I wasn’t about to bottle it up today. So, when he made his judgmental, unproductive, and negative contributions to the group, my hand didn’t hesitate. It shot up.

I told that fucker that if he’s so fucking content that he can come into rehab and sit in judgement of others, if he’s doing the next right thing all the time that he’s comfortable enough to criticize what another fellow has to offer the group, then maybe, just maybe, he doesn’t need to be in fucking rehab. Maybe, he’s good. And, it behooves him and the group for him to sit there and spew his negative contributions. Then, I suggested, that wasn’t the case. I let him know that I think he does need to be there. And, that his time would be better spent turning all his judgment and criticism inward. Locate what it is in him that needs fixing instead of blaming the group.

That shut him up. It shut the whole group up. And, it occurred to me that perhaps I was a bit harsh. After all, it is the holiday season, and we’re all struggling. Even Mr. Asshat.

Practice what you preach. I’ve always liked that motto. And, today, I wasn’t too good at taking my own advice. Mr. Asshat’s impatience caused me to be impatient with him. And, I know better than anyone, that my reaction to him will just continue the never ending cycle that I’ve been trying to break out of.

So, I’ll chalk it up to season. The impending holiday of doom. But, I know that I owe asshat an amends.

And today, I thank God I’m not even close to working Step 9 right now.

Thank everlovin’ God…


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