Day 111: Back In The Saddle

Back home, back to business.

My trip home and the drama preceding it pretty much halted everything else that had been moving forward in my life. I stopped looking at what right in front of me and let myself get caught up in the fear of the future. But, having made it through all the bullshit that I’d, for the most part, created in my mind, I’ve returned home with a new sense of purpose and drive.

While the trip halted me in some ways, it was pretty eye opening in others. Especially in terms of my program. It illuminated where my program is working for me and it became a clear indicator of where I need to make some improvements.

One of the best things about working the steps is, after a while, they start to work you. Your mind goes to them by default. Even when I said the wrong things to my family, when I didn’t take action, when I let my isolating nature take me over, when I was judgmental and impatient, I was aware. And that, right there, is progress that I can see. So much of my alcoholism is my denial. My inability to see where I’m wrong and responsible. I’d quickly push that blame, guilt, and responsibility onto someone else so that I didn’t have to manage it. Not so anymore. If nothing else, I now can see my part, and I’m not interested in handing it off to someone else to fix.

I know that if I’m going to stay sober, in the alcoholic sense and the emotional sense, I’m going to have to start owning up. And, while it’s not the most appealing idea, it doesn’t seem as impossible or even as hard as it once did to me. It seems plausible that I can wade through all the shit that I’ve created and then let pile up, and start to clean up the mess. And, every time I’m overwhelmed by that thought, I remind myself that the 12 Steps are ordered to make it all manageable.

I meet with my sponsor this weekend and I know what’s coming. Step 4 has been hanging over my head, and I know that this week we’re going to get going on it. While I’m super aware that it’s not going to be an easy one, I am glad to have returned home with a renewed sense of purpose in the program. Seeing the fruits of the work I’ve done over the the holiday week reminded me that the work that I still have in front of me is not only looming, but, important and useful in making my life better.

Come what may, I’m ready to saddle up. Having taking a bunch of steps forward, a few back, it’s time. A new step, in the right direction.

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