It’s one of those AA power words. The infinite wisdom of Yoda: Do or Do not. There is no try.
But, is there? Is there a try? Sometimes I feel like that’s the best I’ve got. Especially on days like today. Days where I’m feeling stuck, and where moving just an inch seems like an epic mile. I’ve been in this zone of relief with the holidays being over, and on the flip side of that coin, there is a new tension of not knowing quite what’s ahead. Feeling like my spiritual condition, my program, my relationships, my job and living situation, everything is just a little bit askew.
One of the gifts of practicing mindfulness and working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is getting the tools I need to rebuild, the new found ability, to get outside of myself, for just a moment, and view life from a different perspective. And, as I try desperately to do this, the truth of the matter is, I don’t like what I see. And, I know that there are all these little actions I could be taking, but I’m not. I’m standing in this one place, itching to move forward. I feel this momentum building. This feeling that if the wheels don’t start turning slowly and methodically soon, then I’m just going to bust out of the gate, suddenly, destroying everything in my path.
Cravings have been at fever pitch. Thoughts of the past are sneaking in to taunt me. And, as I sit here dwelling on all this, I know I’m in the wrong place. I know that if I take one, just one, even if it’s little, one step to get things rolling. One action. Things will improve. I’ve seen it happen. It happened when I first got into recovery. The pink cloud. And, I know that I’m not going to get the pink cloud back. But, I know how I got there. And, I know that if I step into all the things I’m facing with the enthusiasm I had when I started, I will make strides.
Lars was telling me about his experience in the program, and how important it is to be stoked. Truly stoked about recovery. Because when you lose that, you lose sight of a lot of other things. And, when everything begins to fall out of focus, that’s when things start to fall apart. Well, I’m not going to let things fall apart. I know what this program, my program, is capable of accomplishing. I know that I can be driven if I choose to be driven. And, I need to be able to do that for myself.
It’s time to step up again. Get in the driver’s seat. Start that fucking engine. And, Go.
Do or do not. Or, just try. See what happens.