Day 122: Catching Up

Something that I too often take for granted in my recovery, is how quickly I can turn it around.

Me. My thoughts. My actions. Changing some pattern I’ve set for myself. And, while it’s true that these changes in heart and spirit are usually a result of me talking to someone else, getting outside of my own line of thinking, it’s always me that gets there.

In my addiction, and even in sobriety, I like to think that everything around me is so out of control. But, if I stop running in circles, it always amazes me how the world stops spinning.

It’s not the world or the people and places around me that are moving to fast. It’s all the shit I’ve assigned each piece. The high, unattainable expectations that I’ve placed, so carefully, on everything that has any meaning to me. And, sometimes, things without any meaning at all.

In light of yesterday’s discovery, the epic reminder that I cannot always see the bigger picture, I think it’s time to stop and do some catching up, with myself. As you may or may not have read here on this blog, I sit down and write all these little nuggets of wisdom I encounter, almost daily. But, it’s become pretty clear to me that, no matter how many of these nuggets I accrue, it doesn’t much benefit me if I’m not digesting and retaining their place in my everyday life and recovery. I know that this process is hard, it’s going to take time, it’s going to come and go in waves. I know that not everyday is a winner just because I’m sober. But, there’s something to be said for making every attempt I can to try changing what I can change. The courage to change. Yet again, the serenity prayer rears its ugly head. A prayer I say daily, yet, still seldom hear. And, by hear I mean, stopping, catching up to my own crazy brain, and realizing when things require mere acceptance or courageous change through action.

In thinking about action, I think about this blog, and you, yes you, the readers. I have no idea how many people actually read this blog, much more who gets anything out of it. I’ll click on the stats bar and suddenly feel rejected for this blog’s low readership, and then I stop and think. I remember. This blog is my action. This blog is a commitment I made first and foremost to myself. That’s why it remains anonymous. That’s why I haven’t tagged anything. This blog is something to make me accountable. And, if in doing that, I help or am able to entertain someone else, I’m flattered and glad. Keeping up this blog helps my recovery, my writer’s muscle, and is a great way for me to decode my daily life. A life, that today, I am grateful to finally be living.

So, here’s to catching up. With myself, with you, and with the rest of the human race.

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