The other day, after my AA meeting, I don’ t know what overcame me. Without any prior plans to do so, I drove, as if on autopilot, to Walgreen’s and bought a box of red hair dye.
I know what you’re thinking. This can’t be good. As I paid the cashier, the same thought occurred to me. What am I doing? Why this sudden need for big change? And, I still can’t answer that question for you, or myself, but, change was in order. (And, I won’t keep you in suspense. The red looks great, I think. It’s not as drastic as the lady on the box had me believing, which, I guess, is a good thing.)
I made a decision yesterday. And, I’m not sure why, but, it feels like a big one. After the past few months of being stuck in a rut of fear and anxiety that the holidays induced, the crash from the return home, the depression that followed, and then this strange angst in regards to Lars, I feel like it’s “pick-myself-up and dust-myself-off” time. No more bullshit. I have all these dreams, goals, feelings, resentments, and fears, and dammit, it’s time to start acting on them all. And, it seems like a lot, but, sobriety is teaching me, slowly but surely, that the more I put into my life, the more I get out of it. So, it’s no wonder that sitting in a helpless, snotty pile on the couch isn’t getting me into a zone where I’m excited about my life and where it’s going.
Today, I made some major remodels in my apartment. Cleaned the rest of the Christmas clutter. Picked up the two week’s worth of mail I couldn’t be bothered enough to recycle during my bouts of wallowing, as I walked only as far as the couch to the thermostat. I moved my desk from my home office, which mind you, I have not sat at since I got it in the fall, into my bedroom. Because I need to have all the things that need accomplishing right in front of me when I wake up in the morning, and again, when I go to bed at night. I have to change this routine I’ve set, because, nothing can flow in the same direction forever, especially if I don’t let it.
Something in me is running hot. I’m ansty, but, in that way that sets a fire under your butt and gets you up and running.
I still feel a little crazy. Perhaps, just slightly, unstable. And, I never thought I’d say this, but, I’m unstable in a good way. Unstable in a way where my feet are working, really hard, to get up onto the next step instead of letting my own body weight take me down. Today, change feels good. It feels like by taking on all these little things in my life, I’ll somehow be willing and able to take on the bigger things. And, that’s something I’m stoked about.
All it took was shifting around a bed, a dresser, and a desk to change the whole feel of my room. I feel like I have a whole new space to go home and live in, and it feels exciting and fresh. Like I’ve put something behind me. Little changes make a big difference. Learning that lesson at the ripe age of 28 seems kinda ridiculous to me, actually. But, here I am, smiling nevertheless.
New hair. New room. New plan.