Day 128: The Big One

This past week in sobriety has been amazing.

It feels like something I should note, since it seems that I do such a good job of harping on the negative. I figured that when in the presence of good things, however infrequently they seem to appear, I should harp on those too.

It’s bizarre, having a string of good days. Especially when each day has been good for a different reason. It hasn’t been just one day piggy backing off of the other, I felt this happiness permeating throughout the week. Things started off spiritually, connected with God ans his will for me, then I got all these revelations, little lessons about myself and others that, for some reason, up to this point, I’d missed. Realizing that my relationships, romantic and otherwise, are branching out. It’s growth. Growth I can see and feel. And, it feels good. It’s also a feeling that I’m still not quite sure what to do with yet.

Which begs the question: What do we do with happiness when we finally get some?

In the past, good things were cause for celebration. Celebration meant drinking, and lots of it. So, what does a celebration look like today? Is happiness in and of itself the reward and celebration? Should I just sit on the couch and revel in my good nature, because, that doesn’t seem right either.

It never occurred to me that happiness in sobriety would bring its own set of complications. Who knew that finding serenity would require its own, new formula?

Even though I’m not sure what I’m doing, or how I should be dealing with my positive feelings, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I’m feeling them. The forward motion of my life, seems to be on track. And, I’ve got to take that feeling as it is, without question or judgement. And, I have to remind myself to stay out of the negative thinking that automatically asks me: When’s the other shoe gonna drop?

For today, I will enjoy this place. I will accept that, I’m not sure how to celebrate myself, but, acknowledge that I do, in fact, deserve to celebrate myself. I attribute all this growth to working the 12 Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous with my sponsor, showing up for treatment at rehab and really throwing myself into the concepts they present there for my recovery, and my God, who has shown up for me in ways I never thought possible.

Little changes lead to little breakthroughs. And, a bunch of little breakthroughs, well, they morph into one big one. And, boy, it feels like it’s been a long time coming. But, late or not, I’m grateful and glad to be in this place today. And, if it all goes to shit tomorrow, I’m going to do my damnedest to hold on to the gifts of today, and celebrate the recovery that I’ve worked hard for that’s given me this new world to explore.

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