After a hard weekend, I crashed hard.
I stayed over at Lars’ place last night, and tried to relax. Tried to let go of all the stress and the running thoughts. Lars is a good comforter, but, I could sense his concern. I knew it was important to set his mind at ease too.
All this bullshit centered around my ex has pulled me out of the present. And, every time I backtrack, I can see how much better letting go and giving everything over to God is for my psyche. Being with Lars, explaining the situation to him, made things seem better. It brought me back into the here and now. This wonderful boyfriend, who cares about me. Who is concerned about me.
In all my self seeking thoughts, it never occurred to me that my being thrown by a brief, albeit intense, interaction with my ex would put some fear and stress into Lars’ heart. Addressing his concerns helped to set my own at ease. I have to look at this situation for what it is. My ex is feeling guilt and shame for what he did to me, and, even after a year and a half, that pain is still very real, for both of us apparently. Knowing that he has been feeling it too, justifies so much of what I’ve been through, but, I have to remember that it doesn’t change anything. And, while it takes a broom to some of the emotional debris that’s been scattered across the floor of my heart, it isn’t anything more.
Lars was worried that I might still be hung up. Rightly so. But, I explained that it’s not my ex that had me hung up. It was that emotional pain due to the lack of closure between us that kept me so tightly bound. Now, I can face that pain and see that it was, in fact, real. It wasn’t some story that I concocted in my head. And so, the release of all that toxic energy blew me off course momentarily. But, ultimately, it’s something that’s freeing. Something that allows me, gives me permission, to just let go. It allows me to see that all the worthlessness that I’d assigned to myself was false. And, in that discovery, I’m able to feel more worthy of Lars. That changes things.
Without anything really happening, I’m able to let Lars in, just a little bit more. The fear that I’m not good enough, gets a little bit smaller. The space that my ex still holds, in the bruised and broken part of my heart, shrinks. It makes room for things that are new and good, like Lars.
Lars made me breakfast. We talked about Martin Luther King, Jr. We relaxed. And, all the conflict of the past two days, turns into something healing. Something that makes me feel like, I can be fixed. Fixed without doing anything. Letting God show me the way. Letting the path fall in front of me, and, when I stumble, pick myself up.
As a result of my spiritual journey, I know that this feeling, this shift, is a part of becoming whole. I know that the road will never run smooth, but, I’m starting to see that it isn’t the falling that’s important, it’s the getting back up again. Sobriety has given me that knowledge, and on day’s like today, it gives me strength and hope beyond measure.