I’ve lost my AA spirit.
I want to fight to get it back. This program that changed and saved me, suddenly makes me feel trapped. I feel like a broken record. Getting up, going to the 7AM meeting, treatment, another meeting. The same people. The same bullshit. I’m just tired I guess. I want to be alone. I want to be with my God, no one else. But, even in those moments, God will show up to remind me to show up.
I woke up next to Lars, feeling devoid of everyting. I decided against going to the the 7AM AA meeting I usually attend and went with going to a 8AM mass instead. My God has been calling me, and, I wanted to listen. Sometimes I just don’t know how or where to be present for him. Half the time I don’t know where or how I need to be for myself. So, church called. I listened.
I parked across the street from my parish. Walked up to the big doors only to find them locked. The side doors shut up too. I then noticed all the stained glass windows were dark. No one was in the church.
I quickly went to the church’s website, and there it clearly stated, as it always has: MASS DAILY, 8AM. I looked around puzzled. Now, frustrated. I could have gone to my stupid AA meeting. I walked stormily to my car, and as I pressed the button to open the automatic locks, a older gentleman drove up beside me.
“Are you looking for the mass?” He asked. I told him I was, but all the doors to the church had been locked. He directed me to a chapel behind the main church. So, I moved my car and walked over to the chapel. It’s walls were long, tall glass windows. It was small and mostly full from what I could see. The priest stood, in his green robes, addressing the congregation. It was a quarter past 8AM at this point. I felt strange inserting myself in such a small room with the mass already underway. I was immediately resentful that no sign had been put on the door or the main church. I could have been on time.
As I walked away from the chapel, back towards the parking lot, the groundskeeper stopped me. “You can still go in, it doesn’t matter that you’re late!” he told me. But, I just kept walking. I don’t belong anywhere.
After my 6PM AA meeting, which I sat through, glazed over, I drove home. I suddenly felt God in the car. It’s not something I can explain, but, I could feel it. It was that feeling I’d been longing for all day, but, I just couldn’t find. So, I lit another cigarette and just drove around Portland with nowhere to go. And, that’s where I belonged. In my car, alone, with Sufjan Stevens and a pack of Parliament Lights.