Day 146: What’s To Become Of Us?

Friday. My “day off.”

The past month or so that I’ve been in Phase 2 of my treatment program, I’ve had Friday’s free, so to speak. I’ve used them to apply for jobs, get cleaning and laundry done at home, and have attempted to do step work. But, the last couple of Fridays I’ve had to head into my treatment center for other client’s graduations.

It’s bizarre saying goodbye to my “classmates” as they head off into the open world of sobriety. And, today, as I say goodbye to one of the women from my group, many things creep into my mind.

I wonder about her. I wonder if she’ll stay sober out there. In treatment she is a strong, independent, and motivated member of the group. But, she’s got a pretty extensive relapse history. As we sit in a circle around her, sharing stories and words of encouragement, I sincerely hope that this time she’s got it licked. But, I know the statistics. I know what happens to addicts. And, it’s scary. When I think about it, I worry not only for her, but for myself.

What’s to become of us? This group of wild and crazy addicts? Who will make it out there? Who won’t?

I graduate in two weeks exactly. I want to be one of the members of our group who survives out there. I want it so bad. But, as the day gets closer and closer, I feel myself getting scared. As much as I want to move on, move up, get back into LIFE and not just recovery, I know that it’s going to be different without the safety net of treatment. The security of a place to go whenever I want, and be safe.

I know that I have other safety nets. Family. Friends. Lars. AA. But, treatment has been a place for me to safely build relationships in sobriety. It’s been a place where I can go and talk about what’s inside, not just about the drinking problem. And, while I fully intend to continue with my therapist, the tight knit community that I’ve come to love and cherish, will start to slowly slip away. Something else that I have to say goodbye to, and, goodbyes are never easy, especially when you actually feel them, no substance to blot out any pain that creeps in.

I don’t know what will become of us all. Only God can know that. So, today, I put my trust in him. I say a prayer for my “classmate,” the graduate. I say a prayer for all of us. I pray that we all make it, against the odds we face. But, my heart sinks a little. Saying goodbye. Trusting that things will happen as they should is hard.

Whatever the future looks like, we’ve all built something here that cannot be knocked down, only jostled, and then strengthened.

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