Day 148: Solid Ground

I met my sponsor today feeling accomplished.

Working the steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is a powerful thing. And, even in those moments of putting off my step work, I’m aware that once it’s done I will get the relief I’ve been seeking. Today was no exception.

It was a typical Sunday, of sorts. 7AM AA meeting, coffee and conversation with my sponsor, and my women’s meeting. I felt strong and active in my recovery today. After writing out all my resentments, it was hard not to think about the common themes that kept popping up. The same themes were present in my biggest resentments and made appearances in practically all of my petty resentments as well. I can see them clearly now, and while it’s somewhat uncomfortable, it also feels like an opportunity. An opportunity to see what it is that makes me tick, where I went wrong, and where I’ve been right.

It’s hard to look at the nasty bits, but, it feels like each ugly piece I uncover only helps to put me at ease. It’s no longer a monster in the closet, it’s a monster sitting at the table with me, having a chat. It gives me something to be proud of and it’s something on which to improve. But, here or there, it’s progress. It’s taking a look at the things I buried, some with good reason and some with none at all.

My mood today is tough to explain. It’s certainly good, but, something more than that. There’s an ethereal knowing. A peace and calm that I know isn’t permanent, but, feels important in this day and moment. It’s a day where nothing is certain but everything feels as it should be. It’s like waiting for a train that you know is coming. The urgency, than acceptance. The anticipation and the relief when the speck of light appears in the distance, moving slowly forward. I’m waiting for that satisfaction of stepping aboard. It’s coming. So, I wait, on the platform and feel the station move around me. People running to catch their trains. Men selling candy and newspapers. An old man sitting on a bench taps his cane. And all is well. Any minute that train’s going to roll into the station. And, I’m excited.

After my women’s group, I met Lars at the bowling alley. After last week’s episode there, I prayed we hadn’t doomed the place with our negative energy. And, we hadn’t. I had one of the best times with Lars yet. For the first time since we’ve been a couple, I felt like we were a couple. It was lighthearted and easy. I felt present. I felt like myself.

In some strange way, I feel like looking at my flaws has made me less flawed, if that’s possible. It’s not so daunting when I look at the thing right in the face. It makes me stronger. It makes me think longer and try harder before I speak or act. It makes me better. And, after a good, solid day, I look down at the foundation I’ve poured over the last few months. I can stand on it now.

It feels pretty amazing.

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