Today, I went on a job interview.
After working in the restaurant industry for years, it was strange preparing for a job interview in a business setting. Preparing myself for questions that don’t relate to previous restaurant experiences, knowledge of wine and beer lists, and multi-tasking amidst the sound of clinking glasses and forks tapping plates. Today, I had to ask myself about my strengths and weaknesses. How do I want to present myself in the business world? And, as I slipped into a pair of black pants, not jeans, for the first time in months, I felt powerful.
Powerful and terrified. It’s scary to be in a fragile personal place and still have to go out there and hold your own in a professional way. After all this time in treatment and AA, learning to not judge myself, here I am, going out into a cut throat world of strangers, to be judged. It’s intimidating, but, it really gave me a chance to ask myself, who am I? What do I have to offer in the here and now. Today. And, being sober, made answering those questions a lot easier.
I know who I am today. I may not be finished growing, but, I’m strong and empowered. I know more about myself today than I have in years. And, as I FREAKED THE FUCK OUT driving to Kinko’s to print out extra copies of my resume for my interview, I kept bringing myself back into the present moment.
Remember who you are.
I thought of one of my counselors in my treatment center. He always told me to be mindful. And, as I really thought about who I was, where I was going, and what I had to offer these people, I realized that I have confidence. More confidence than I’ve ever had in my life. As I breathed in and out, in and out, I was able to see that I have so much to give. I honestly believe that a company would be lucky to have me as an employee. And, in the past, I never would have had a thought even remotely like that enter my mind. I was always so frail, so accommodating. I told people what they wanted to hear, because I thought that that’s what got the job done. But, sobriety’s taught me that giving people what’s really inside you, telling them what you really think, who you really are, that’s what’s important. And, sometimes it gets you the job. Sometimes is doesn’t. But, if you were meant to have that job in the first place, you were meant to be your true self in there, at least that’s how it has to be if I want to be happy, today.
And, I guess that’s the lesson. Regardless of if I get the job or not, it’s about me. I’m done people pleasing for a check. Sobriety’s given me the clarity to understand that I need a job where I’m going to be happy and satisfied, because, that’s the job I’m going to make a difference in, that’s the job where the work is going to get done. Sobriety’s taught me that it’s not selfish to be happy. Being happy is what allows you to pay it forward. To share it. To give it.
As I sat in the hot seat, a sudden calm came over me. I am who I am. And, if you’re asking me, I’m pretty great. So, when my interviewer put his questions before me, I answered honestly and confidently. Because today, more than any other day in the past, I know my worth. I know what you’re worth to me. And, I can balance those two trays, all that restaurant work wasn’t for nothing. I’m going to give all I’ve got for this thing that I want and deserve. If it wasn’t meant to be mine, it wasn’t meant to be mine.
Today, I rocked that interview. And, maybe I get the job, maybe I don’t. But, I got to see my new self in action. I got to carry the new woman I’ve worked so hard to uncover into that office building, and I got to show a complete stranger that I have poise and confidence that even I didn’t know I had.
And, fuck man, it felt good.