Day 167: Connect/Dissconnect

After feeling my communication level with Lars slip earlier in the week, today, I tried to connect.

I sent Lars a long text apologizing for my inability to communicate how I was feeling. I also expressed that I really do want to connect. After I pushed the send button on my phone, I felt better. I felt that I’d owned my own faults and emphasized my desire to want to work on things that I’m not really great at yet.

It’s been my experience that saying what’s in my head, even if it seems like the smallest, most inconsequential thing, makes me feel better. Bottling everything up, it’s not doing anyone a favor. In fact, it’s disconnecting you from your own thoughts and opinions and it disconnects whoever else is involved with those thoughts. I used to think keeping my mouth shut would spare the other person involved of some pain or anxiety, but, as it turns out, that disconnect actually harms the other person and yourself, double whammy!

So, even though I was somewhat down-and-out about the Lars situation, I knew what had to be done.

A few hours went by, then a few more passed. I hadn’t heard back from Lars and I was beginning to get that uneasy feeling in my stomach. Like, maybe the things I’d said had upset him in some way, though I wasn’t sure how. But, I began to stew. Paralyzed in my apartment, I tried, ceaselessly, to extract what it could have been from my text that was offensive. I had come to no conclusion when it came time to head out to secretary my Friday night AA meeting. It was a good thing I had that meeting to go to too, because I needed an AA meeting for sure, my mind was stacked with anxiety.

Lars didn’t attend, which he usually does, barring some work conflict. I was bummed and confused. But, I packed up my things after the meeting and headed out to the parking lot to hop in my car and to go home and ruminate. Next to my car in the lot was Lars’. As I approached, he got out and walked my way. He told me his phone had crapped out the night before. He hadn’t received and would not receive any of the texts I’d sent, all day. And there, in the parking lot, everything connected. All that energy I’d expended dissecting my own communication had been for naught.

Lars headed home, as did I. When I got there I contemplated the day’s disconnect. Counted the numerous fears that had played out, solely in my mind. I had assumed it was Lars’ intention to disconnect from me since I had been so disconnected earlier in the week. But, I was wrong. I slipped back into the zone where everything that happens in the world revolves around me and my problems. Back in reality, Lars had been disconnected from me by means beyond his control. And, he’d gone out of his way to come to the meeting space, despite not going to the meeting, to let me know. To connect.

Today, I am reminded that what happens to us in everyday life, good and bad, are not things that are done to us. Not every struggle is a give and take. Sometimes you have to throw your hands up in the air and exclaim “It is what it is!”

To accept, is to connect. Like whoa.

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