Day 169: Motion, Balance, and God(lessness)

Things are in motion.

After another morning at the AA assembly, an afternoon of bowling with Lars, and an evening of quiet contemplation in preparation for yet another job interview tomorrow, I feel like the stagnancy in my life and program is starting to move again.

I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again, the highs in lows in early sobriety are extremely frustrating. Going from being on top of the world, to being cold and alone at the bottom of the mountain, only to be catapulted back into a euphoric state is exhausting. And, while I certainly won’t complain about the good moments, it’s rough to have to keep bouncing around. On the flip side of it all, it’s comforting to know that this situation isn’t uncommon. Finding your way to the right path isn’t easy after taking long, twisted back trails for most of your adult life.

At the end of this somewhat long and varied emotional week, I feel balanced and blessed. I’ve talked about turning my will over to God. How it seems like such an easy thing, to say, here, you worry about it. But, when you’re a control freak by nature, it’s hard to let go and trust you’re supposed to get what you need. It’s hard to say that it just wasn’t meant to be when some outcome isn’t what you’d hoped. But, I’m learning with each passing week, that the more I let go of, the more returns I see in my life. When I trust that I’m taken care of, no matter what, I feel taken care of. And, I know for those who struggle with their relationship to a higher power, if they have one at all, the concept of letting go is virtually impossible. I was there. But, now, I’m here.

Here is so much better. Highs, lows and all. The energy extended just to have your finger wrapped around the illusion of control is too much. That energy is better spent. I can say that without a doubt. I find myself relaxed about tomorrow’s interview because, if I’m supposed to get that job, if that job’s for me, I’m going to get it. And, if I’m meant to be somewhere else, that’s where I’ll end up. It’s not the end of the world. It no longer defines my value to be accepted by some outside enterprise. I’m feeling OK from within. And, I’m living in that value. It’s comforting.

The illusion of being in control is only of value to people who are not in control. Stop. Think about it. Read that first sentence again. That right there, will save you from a shitstorm of pain. You’re not in control, ever. Even if you don’t believe in God, or a higher power, you’re not in control. For some people, they’d think it to be a pretty auspicious time to assert their own control where they see no higher power, but, to those people, I’d say, if there is no God, it certainly behooves you to think that you’re one.

I reserve no judgements for you, your higher power, or lack thereof. I will say that when you let go of all the little things that needlessly run your life, it gets better. Yes, maybe the lows get lower and the highs get higher, but, things balance out. Of that, I am fairly certain.

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