Day 172: The Perfect Outcome

As I wait to hear from the company I interviewed with on Monday, fear levels elevate.

In the interview, I checked in with myself. I asked, is this job a YES or a NO. Did I want to work there as an employee? And, the answer I came to was, I don’t know. It felt strange asking myself these questions. In the past, my take-what-you-can-get attitude made the stress of interviewing pretty harsh. I wasn’t good enough, or I was. My new outlook of, find something that works and is going to make me happy, well, that’s a little bit harder to navigate.

The interviewer told me they’d be seeing potential candidates all week and that she’s be in touch early next week to let me know how things might progress. This gives me a whole week to stew, something I’m pretty damn good at.

I’ve been walking around thinking about how this could play out. I could be offered the job. Which, after the interview, I wasn’t 100% sure I wanted. I could be turned down. Which, would be my higher power’s way of saying, not here, not now. So the issue became, if I got the job, would I take it? Or would I turn it down?

Then, the question became, if I turned it down would it be because I was afraid or because I honestly felt it wasn’t the perfect fit? Is there a perfect fit, for anything? Does it have to feel perfect to have my, and my higher power’s, stamp of approval? What is the next right thing to do? And, am I jumping the gun even worrying about it now, before I’m in a position to have to decide at all?

When fear puts the horse before the cart, I have to readjust. One of my biggest pitfalls is getting waaaaaay ahead of myself. Taking life as it comes is important. Making decisions before you have decisions to make probably isn’t advisable. It’s a strange form of future tripping that accomplishes nothing whatsoever.

So, as I sit in a land of limbo, my old self, my old fears fighting for attention, I stick with the new me. The me who makes decisions when it’s time to make them. The me who knows that the outcome, whatever it may be, is the right outcome.

It isn’t easy. It’s uncomfortable, living with fear, fear of the unknown and fear that I’ll make a wrong turn. But, I’ve been at this fork in the road before. And, if you turn down the wrong path, you’ll learn something as you make your way back to set right the footing that you wronged. So, fear, it’s just wasted energy.

When the time comes, I’ll know what to do.

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