Day 188: I Am Responsible

With little, discontented feelings bubbling up, it’s time to get back to basics.

Back to my home group I go. I’ve been hopping around, switching up meetings, but, I’ve felt the gravitational pull of my AA home group. The comfort that eases my spiritual unfitness.

There are days where I still fight my own sense of inner strength. That same voice that told me I could control my drinking, work life, and personal life all on my own, still talks to me. The voice that says, “You’re sober now. You don’t need all these bells and whistles to keep you that way,” still chimes in on a daily basis. That self-will needs to be channeled.

Yes, it’s me who hasn’t taken a drink. It’s me who’s worked hard to push through some tough emotional baggage. But, to think that I could have done all that without the support of AA, treatment, and therapy is a dangerous thought. The truth is, I need to be carried sometimes. My new convictions in life are strong, but, it’s still so easy to let myself off the hook, give myself permission to let things slide for a day, and then, that day turns into two days, then three. The procrastinator.

Part of my reluctance with AA presently is that, I think, part of me doesn’t like relying on something outside myself to fix me. It’s scary to think that without some outside piece, I could just fall apart. And, with God in my life, it’s easy to say, “God’s here with me, I don’t need AA to hold my hand.” But, the truth is, AA led me to my God. And, by going to the meeting that helped me procure and harness such a treasure, I stay connected. The longer I avoid my home group, the more I feel my spiritual side fade and grow dull. God is connected to that meeting. So, in order to stay linked in to my spiritual self, I need to show up.

This morning, I returned to the Friday morning meeting tired and wishing I’d stayed in bed. I secretary a meeting in the evening, so, I told myself that I could’ve just slept in, I’d still have a meeting to go to later today. But, when my alarm sounded, I knew I just had to get myself up.

Sitting there, tired in my seat, I watched my home group members filter in. There are some newcomers, who like me, are finding the soul of this meeting magical. I can see it in their faces. And, it was them who reminded me of what I first discovered when I found this meeting. The power and magic of watching the sun come up, the committed group of old timers with great sobriety, the solution based shares that illuminate a tired, and sick head. It’s nothing short of miraculous.

I want these newcomers to know that I’m here too. Part of this group. Grateful for it. Stronger because of it. And, it’s the power and spirit of this room that turned my one day of sobriety into six, long months. I want them to have that too. I see the wonder and confusion in their faces, and I want to be a part of the group that turns these people into something they had never imagined, just as was done for me.

This morning I felt like I came of age in AA in some strange way. Like a teenager who’s rebelled against her parents only to find, they were right. I looked up at the wall and saw AA’s Responsibility Declaration: I am responsible. When anyone, anywhere, reaches out for help, I want the hand of A.A. always to be there. And for that: I am responsible.

I’ve read that sign a millions times, but, this morning, I understood. I am responsible. I’m responsible for letting these new folks know that this program works. And, I learned from the very beginning, that in order for it to work you have to show up.

So here I am, for me, and for them, the newcomers. Because, in order to keep this program, you have to give it away. And, I’m keeping my seat, because I earned it.

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