More time. I always feel like I need it.
Time with Lars, time with my writing, time to read, time to clean, time to garden, time for exercise and yoga, time for studying Chinese medicine.
I’m unemployed, and yet, I still need more hours. It’s one of those gift/curse combos that sobriety gives you. Now that I’m sober, I have so many more hours in the day in which I’m able to accomplish things, but, on the flip side of the coin, in sobriety, my life has become so jam packed full of activities and commitments that the new-found hours in the day all seem to be spoken for. It can be pretty overwhelming.
I’m a doer. An accomplish-er. A planner. And, when I feel like I’m not getting what I need to get done at the speed I feel I should be moving, I get frustrated. Extremely frustrated.
Enter negative self-talk. Feeling unworthy. Playing the victim in my own head.
The old cast of characters that I used to play on a daily basis that led me around in circles of self-pity and destructive behavior are not attractive. In fact, they’re despicable. So, as I become increasingly overwhelmed today planning for my Easter brunch, knowing that I have to be at my AA meeting in the evening, and as I begin, desperately, to filter the screaming voices in my head, I know I have to take a moment with God.
In the shower, I sat down and let hot water fall on my like sheeting rain. I pray. For the strength to do the things that are right in front of me. I ask for help. Because sometimes, that’s all I need, is just a little help to get back to reality. To see what’s right there in front of me. I need assistance putting on the blinders that keep me focused on the next thing that I am capable of achieving. Because, it’s all there for me…my God, my recovery tools, my family, my friends, Lars. I have what I need. Yet, I so easily forget. I lose myself in the limited amount of hours that I think I have.
In those moments of sheer terror and fear, the ones where I can’t see anything but the pain, fear, and unaccomplished tasks, there sits God. Softly smiling at my silly approach to something so simple. Me, so small, so lost, yet, so savable. I can become so distracted by my own silly messes, that I forget to see Him there, watching out for me, gently pushing me toward the path that he’s so carefully set down for me. And, as I beg him to guide me to His path, sitting under the hot water falling on my head, I suddenly realize, that I’m already there. I’m on the path.
My frustration, overwhelming fear and confusion, they’re obstacles that have been put there for a reason. I forget that not everything I face is something I’ve created. It’s all a big lesson, or today, as it happens, lots of little lessons. And, it’s going to be OK. This too shall pass, like all bad days, hours, and minutes. They will go by, and I will still be here, in His care. Learning what I’m supposed to learn and getting done what needs to get done.
Let go and let God. That’s what they say in good ol’ AA. And, some days, it’s wise to listen.