Day 208: Light Me Up

So much for quitting smoking the day after my birthday.

I wasn’t out of bed but five minutes before deciding that today just wasn’t the day.

While my mind and body are most certainly ready to quit, their mutual cooperation with each other did not come together. And, both my intense craving and my weak will allowed for that morning smoke, sitting on the side of Lars’ tub. Cigarette in one hand, pint glass of hot coffee in the other. What a fucking pair.

The odd thing about it is, after the intense guilt of that first cigarette in the morning, I found that I became quite forgiving of myself. I’d been planning for this day as my quit date for a few weeks. Promising that it would be my birthday gift to myself…my health. But, two minutes into that first craving, of the first morning, and I knew I was not going to be any sort of match for the powers of sweet nicotine seduction.

Once I got past the fact that today just wasn’t the day, it became a little easier to let go of that rigid approach to quitting that made me feel like shit in the first place. It’s OK. I’ve given up DRINKING, hello! I can totally do this. I know this because the truth of the matter is, I really don’t want to smoke. I feel like shit, it’s expensive, it makes all my clothes stink, the list goes on. Now drinking, I’d LOVE to drink. In fact, I’d love to be holding a finger or two of whiskey at this very moment, but, I’m not. Because, I quit drinking. And, that’s how I’m going to stay. Quit.

I had to be ready to quit drinking. My mind had to be at the place where it was sobriety or die. And, truthfully, I’m almost there with cigarettes. More often than not, I don’t even enjoy them anymore. I use them as a means of distraction or reward. And, all it takes is finding suitable replacements, which, thanks to my sobriety, are many.

So, today isn’t the day. Tomorrow won’t be either. But, it’s coming. And it’s possible. But, more than anything else, it’s OK.

Taking one day at time can extend to every facet of our being if we allow ourselves the freedom to listen to what’s here inside, in each moment. And, at this moment, it’s time to step out on the back stoop for a cigarette. My reward for finishing this post. A reward that will need replacing, very, very soon. But, for now, light me up!

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