Sometimes I feel like all I do is wait.
It’s that feeling I get when I’m not in the best place. I start thinking that if I sit still long enough, something good will come my way, something will change, things will go how I want them to go. If I sit and contemplate this for a long enough period of time I discover just how much the program of AA has taught me.
Waiting is futile.
Action is what takes me places. It’s hard to know what action to take the longer I’m unemployed. Sending out applications daily, without bearing any fruit, starts to seem like a waste of time. But, deep down I know that something will turn up. The key here is to take action in other areas of my life while I wait for that one application to root, sprout, and grow. I forget that action isn’t just working at a job. It’s showing up in your life in every way.
Today marks the start of Lars’ softball season. So, on a day where we’d normally get to spend quality time, he’s in a rainy, cold softball field. And I, I am sitting at home, contemplating the nothingness of being. I get lost in resentment. Feeling jipped. I don’t get the time with Lars that I look forward to every weekend. And, while I’m inclined to be pissed about it, I know that I should actually take a look at the reasons for that.
I resent Lars and his softball games, not really because I don’t get to see Lars, though that does bum me out. I’m pissed because I don’t have that softball game. I don’t have an action to take me out of this apartment and off into the world. Instead of getting out on the field, balls fly here in this apartment as I rack my brain for some constructive way to make good use of my time. Sometimes writing seems like a good idea, sometimes reading, sometimes watching the TV…but all these things are pretty lonely activities.
I resent that I still have trouble getting out into the social world. I resent that I have to rely on Lars for human contact, and thereby end up resenting Lars when he can’t show up for me in the way I want him to. But, when all is said and done, what I really resent is the fact that I’m still not sure where I fit into my own life, outside of this apartment and this little, solitary life I’ve built up around myself. Without a job with which to identify, without activities to show up for that make me feel needed and wanted, I start to lose the scope of myself and my recovery. I start to wonder if sobriety is worth it.
At the end of the day, I know that being sober is worth the pain of feeling alone sometimes. Because of sobriety, I know that, even if I haven’t found it just yet, there is a place where I belong that isn’t atop a bar stool. And, while writing another post, reading yet another book, watching another movie may all seem to be fruitless, inactive tasks, I’m here for them, presently. And, when I find that job, find that niche where I belong, I’ll be hitting balls out of the park.
Action requires bravery. It requires stepping up to the plate. For Lars, he does that quite literally. Me, well, softball isn’t my thing. But, today, I realize I can’t live in resentment about that. If I want to live my life, I have to take action. I can’t complain about being on the couch if I don’t get myself up off of it.
So, I think it’s time to play ball.