Day 219: Blood Flow

After my week of turmoil and subsequent self realization, this week had to begin with a fresh start.

My idea for a trip to Ireland, in the forefront of my mind, needed advisement. And, after my week-long vacation from AA, I knew my day had to include a meeting. Now more than ever, I see that meetings are the key to discovering where my mind really is, and if it isn’t where I want it to be, AA has directions to get there.

So, after waking up at Lars’, too late to make my morning meetings, I made plans to get back in the swing of things at my evening women’s meeting. After leaving Lars to get ready for his day at work, I came home and immediately started to sink into the isolatory despair that I had lived in just days ago. I knew I had to get out.

I usually attend a yoga class led by a fellow AA member at my gym on Monday. But, despite my knowing I should go, I fought all my inner cues. I knew I should go. I knew even though I didn’t want to go, I’d be glad once I got there. But, as I sunk into the couch, replaying all the reasons why my fantasy trip would never come to pass, why I had reason to be down and out, why I was the center of my own universe, I suddenly looked out my window. The sun shone bright over Portland. Balmy breezes swept through the rhododendron bush outside my window. It was time to get back out into the world.

Since I couldn’t convince myself to go to yoga, instead, I rolled my bike out of the guest bedroom and got my keys. If I wasn’t going to yoga, if I wasn’t going anywhere, then I may as well ride around aimlessly on my bike in the sunshine.

And so, I went. Pedaling through my neighborhood. Riding past people walking their dogs, digging up dirt in their gardens, jogging along quaint little streets. And, without warning, I felt the awareness that I’d been lacking for over a week return. The presence of the moment I was in, it suddenly became all there was and I felt better. I felt the blood flowing in my veins, and like a magical serum, I was jolted back into the here and now. In this moment on my bike, there were no trips to take, no jobs to apply for, no self-involved thoughts. It was just me, the sun, the streets, and a bicycle.

As I felt my muscles warm and my heart rate increase, I felt it. Motivation. Not just to get where I’m going, but, to move. Move my body, move my state of mind, and most importantly, to move in action. To take control of those things that hold me captive, mainly my thoughts. I pulled out my phone to check the time. I still had 20 minutes to get to my yoga class. So, I raced home, sweat breaking out on my brow, changed into my yoga pants, and hopped in the car.

I made it to class with minutes to spare. Already warm, blood flowing through my arms and legs, I sat on my mat and closed my eyes.

My yoga teacher started her class as she always does: “Take a moment to go within, find that sweet spot, and thank yourself for whatever got you here. Thank yourself for arriving.”

And, just like that, I’m ready to begin again.

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