Ideas wreak havoc.
As the week presses on, my idea of taking a trip to Ireland has not ceased, slowed, or lessened one bit.
I did my best to push it out of my mind. Made every logical argument for and against it. And, eventually, decided that it was a practical impossibility. I wrote it off and resigned myself the what has become the daily grind of filling out job applications and attempting to fill the rest of my time with productive and positive activities, lest I go crazy.
Though my return to the rooms of AA this week has given my mind immense relief from its own inner going-ons, something is still awry. My psyche pained and my mind runs rampant. The more I attempt to push one thought out, the more thoughts I have, and the bigger they become. There isn’t enough time in the day for the amount of meetings I’d need to attend to get everything sorted out.
I felt the relief wash over me as I walked into my therapist’s office today. Here, I would essentially vomit the craziness that has been dancing between my ears for the last four days.
I told her about my idea for a trip, glossing over it really. I had already decided to write the idea off, even if it did keep returning to me like a dog with a Frisbee. As I talked on, my therapist stopped me. She asked me to return the conversation to the trip idea. She wanted to know, why had I written it off so quickly? What were the real obstacles? Were they surmountable? Who is it directly effecting? Who would it involve? What would it involve?
And, as I answered each question, the idea suddenly didn’t seem quite so outlandish. Yes, it would involve talking to the important people in my life, seeing what they thought and how it would effect them and make them feel, yes, it would involve spending some money that I don’t have on credit cards, but, was that debt really so overwhelming that it outweighed the significance of going on a trip alone after accomplishing so much in the last year?
I suddenly felt deserving of it, however, still haunted by the logistics and conversations involved. If the idea made me slightly uncomfortable, surely it would have that same effect on my parents, boyfriend, sponsor, and my cat (who, if she had language skills, would certainly object).
My therapist told me that she, and she emphasized it was just her opinion, thought that this would actually be a wise decision. She said I was in a unique position that I may not find myself in again, at least not for a long time, and then, my circumstances may be quite different than they are now. She didn’t tell me to do it or not to do it. But, she did tell me not to write it off. “Entertain the idea,” she said.
After leaving the comfy chair in her office, entertain the idea I did. Maybe she’s right? Maybe all the cons are negotiable. I mean, when you look at it from a certain angle, the pros really do outweigh most everything else. But, then I wonder, what is truly the best thing? Most people, and alcoholics especially, are very good at convincing themselves that something is a good idea if they really want it. Paint it any color you want, so long as it looks good. I didn’t want to trick myself into thinking that this was feasible just because I really wanted to do it. I had to be realistic.
So, tonight, Thursday evening, I’m entertaining. No party guests, no boyfriend, no one. I’m entertaining ideas. And, perhaps, if they’re not to grabby with the hors d’oeuvres, I’ll let them stay for dinner and dessert.