It’s a word that is thrown around a lot in AA. Because, well, it is the solution if you’re a drunk like me. Or, I should say, an alcoholic like me. I can be so self seeking and self involved that I really miss the point. And, more importantly, in the moments that I actually do have a point, I can miss it while I’m obsessing over other things.
After yesterday’s eye opening meeting with my sponsor, and an open and honest conversation with my folks about my trip, I realized that all I really have to do in life is take things head on. The things that I fear most are hardly ever the epic controversies I make them out to be in my own mind. My sponsor reminded me that in order to be true to yourself, you have to take the people around you who love you and support you into account. And, that concept, for some reason was a pretty frightening one. Being open with others doesn’t require that you agree. But, if you communicate, I’ve found anyway, pretty much anything is, at the very least, negotiable.
I woke up this morning at Lars’ and I decided to take a tip from the lessons I learned yesterday. I still found myself getting tied up in mental knots about his busy schedule and how I fit into it. I want to be a part of his life, an important part. And, on some level I know I am, but, in some ways it’s not what I truly wanted. Deciding to take this trip has allowed me to see that I do have control over my expression. I can’t change or predict exactly what’s going to happen in my life, but I do get my say. I don’t have to be passive. Actually, quite to the contrary. I have to be active. I decided I was going to have the conversation with Lars. The conversation where I say that my time is valuable, and, as much as I love him and am willing, to a point, to wait for him, my life is moving forward. My sobriety, my trip, my job (that I have every confidence I will get), my thinking…it’s all going forward. And, he’s welcome to join me, but, I’m not going to get stuck like I did with my last partner. I can’t be afraid anymore.
As I thought about exactly how I wanted to address Lars and before I even got out my morning hello, he sat down next to me and it was as if he knew what was going to come out of my mouth. He knew where I was coming from and that something had to give on his end if this was going to work. He basically condensed the three paragraphs of banter I was getting ready to rattle off in one sentence. And from there, we commenced to communicating.
It’s something that I’m still getting used to, talking about how and why I feel, and then having someone listen and accept. All it takes is practice. And even though Lars is booked this week, I know how he feels about it and he knows how I feel, and that removes some of the tension that seems to flare up when it’s just me left alone with my own thoughts.
So, in the spirit of being booked, I went home, and I booked my trip to Ireland.
A reward for the lessons that were hard-learned and hard-earned in AA. A gift to me, my spirit, and the spirit I’m seeking. And, as I sat on the couch reveling in the joy of my soon-to-be adventure, I realized that so much of the life that’s become available to me is because of sobriety and the tools for living that the program of Alcoholics Anonymous has given me.
So, it’s time to get booked once more, Big Booked. I still have a 4th and 5th step to finish before I leave the country, and now, I’ve got the dates set! No excuses!