Day 231: Mr. Saturday Night

Gone are the late night soirees and partying until dawn.

As I tuck myself in here, at 8:00PM, to fall asleep to a movie and spend the evening next to my little cat, I still sometimes wonder if I’m missing out. Not because I’m sober, but, because sometimes it’s just easier to skip out on things because I’m afraid that alcohol is the only thing that made it any good in the first place.

I used to love dining out. The atmosphere, the food, the service, and yes, the wine or cocktail, or both.

But, tonight, with Lars occupied for the whole weekend, and me yoga-ed out and exhausted, all I want to do is get some good sleep and wake up early for tomorrow’s Step/Tradition meeting at my home group. As I lay here, I think about taking myself out to a nice dinner somewhere. And, for a moment, the idea seems pretty appealing. I used to love to take myself to fancy dinners, solo, and proceed to get absolutely blotto. The idea loses its appeal suddenly.

Drinking made so many of the things that I used to do alone bearable. Now, without that crutch, without that friend, without the trusty-dusty wing man, there isn’t a heck of a lot that appeals to me in the night time hours. And, truthfully, the fact that I can actually be alone in my apartment doing pedestrian things, like reading, watching movies, or heck, just sleeping, is a feat. When I first got sober I thought I’d crawl out of my skin if I had to even think about being at home alone.

I’ll admit, I feel kind of like a loser tonight. But, I’m glad that I don’t have to depend on a substance to save me from my own boredom and loneliness. Tonight, I can decide to just turn in early, and that seems a fine substitute indeed.

I also think ahead two weeks, to when I’ll be in Ireland. I think about how much more I’ll be able to accomplish in my time there because I won’t lose countless hours to drinking or recovering from drinking. I’ll be early to bed and early to rise, able to capture so much more than I did when I set food on Irish soil eight years ago. I’m free of so much of my crap now. And, I’ll be on my own with no one to stop me from finding whatever it is I set out to seek.

So, maybe tonight, it’s bed at 8:00PM. But, who knows what tomorrow will bring? When I wake up at 6:00AM, this feeling I have in the pit of my stomach right now will surely be gone, and a new sun will be on the rise.

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