When I think about God and revelations, I often think about what God will reveal to me.
Something that I hadn’t considered, at all really, was what would be revealed in me.
Today, I sat down and really considered some big concepts. Big changes that have occurred in me and my state of being. I hadn’t intended it to be a spiritual investigation. Though, I suppose we can never know when spiritual revelation will come to us, that’s sort of the nature of spiritual things, at least in my experience. Those things, those pieces that we hadn’t seen before, that we hadn’t considered, truly jump out at us suddenly often times. It’s that sudden, unexpected truth that always seems to hit me hard and fast.
Spiritual awakening, a concept I became open to when I became a member of AA, was ever present in my early recovery, but, as time goes on things seem to come to me more slowly and more subtly. Sometimes it feels like God baited me with nuggets of spiritual goodness in the beginning, and once I was hooked, things came to a standstill. I wondered if He’d left me. But today, I see it very differently.
My thoughts started today with my trip to Ireland, of course. As I thought about it, I searched myself for a reason that made this trip feel so right, deep down in my gut. From the onset of my desire to get to Ireland, I’ve battled with the notion that this was totally impulsive and self-seeking venture. Something that AA warns us against. And, being the “good” AA that I am, I am quite serious about being honest with myself about my own motives for doing things. I have the past as a blueprint. I’ve had lots of impulsive, self-seeking ideas that have seemed great, and, I’ve acted on them. And, I know how the story goes, not everything you want or think you need is actually the best thing for you. I still struggle to know what the best decision looks like. But, I’ve also come to learn that avoiding things that seem right because you’re living in fear it a sure fire way to miss out on life and all it has to offer.
I asked myself, why do I want to take this trip alone? Why now? My past is littered with codependency. My family relationships, my friendships, my romantic relationships. Up until just about seven months ago I couldn’t do anything on my own. I needed permission from the people I value in my life. I needed people to be with me. I didn’t want to be alone in my apartment, let alone in another country. So, why this sure feeling that I’m meant to go to this place in another world, on my own? Why?
As I sat with these questions. I felt a shift on the inside. I felt my questions about my motives and my desire to be on my own melt away. And, it dawned on me, or was revealed to me I suppose, that the reason I want to take this trip on my own is: For the first time in my whole life, I don’t feel alone.
Perhaps it sounds like a small thing to you, but to me, this is probably the biggest inner event that’s occurred in my recovery. Not only being open to God, but, actually feeling his presence within me. So much of my addiction, so many of my emotional problems apart from my substance abuse, stem from a feeling of alone-ness. So much of my seeking has been my core self in search of the feeling that I will be taken care of, loved, and truly held.
While I searched myself today, thinking I was only finding shallow justifications for this trip, the biggest piece, of practically everything, was revealed to me. I may be alone on this trip in my physical body, but, for the first time in my life I will be on my own with the spirit. Alone with the thing that makes it OK to be alone. Alone with that inner comfort that I didn’t think I would ever find. And, it feels so epically beautiful. It’s so much bigger, warmer, and safer than I’d ever imagined.
I wanted to take this trip to have a spiritual experience, but, I realized that the desire to take the trip, in itself, is the spiritual experience.
I know, when I get back home, that the spirit will still be with me, because it’s not something I have to go find.
It’s right here, within me.