Day 235-236: Hammering It Out

The end of the line.

With plans to do my 5th Step on Saturday, it is absolutely imperative that I finish my 4th Step. The step that has been the bane of my existence for the last 5 months. The unclimbable mountain of shame. I’ve sat, and sat, and sat staring at my little turquoise journal, in which I do all my step work, and my pen doesn’t seem to want to move across the page.

With just days left, it becomes a matter of will.

Do I want to go to Ireland having completed my 4th and 5th Steps? Or not?

Of course the answer is, yes, I want to have those two steps under my belt and under my feet. I want to travel the glorious roads of the motherland knowing that I have done everything I can to be better myself, to be new and clean, and to be the woman that I aspire to be. My mind can try all it wants to convince me of reasons to put off the hard work in front of me, but, deep down, in the core of my soul, I know what has to be done. And, I’m going to do it.

So, these past few days have required the heavy lifting and the heavy hammer. Every time that I’ve wanted to give up, or felt that I’ve met my match, I have had to decide to keep going.

It’s like sobriety. You can only go at the pace you can go. But, along with my higher power, it’s in moments like these where I have to exercise my own will, I have to work hard, do the footwork. It’s a mental and emotional challenge. And, every time I think I’m going to break down, I have to go to the top of a cliff in Ireland in my mind. How will I feel standing there, looking out on the sea, on God’s good Earth, if I don’t have this work done? I know I won’t feel good.

So, I press on. Trudging through the mud of my past. Memories I think, sometimes, that are better left buried. Because I know that every stone left unturned here in the US is a stone I will trip over in my spiritual journey to Ireland.

There comes a time where you have to see the end result. Perhaps your whole life doesn’t rest upon that result, but, it’s the thing that gets to over the hump. As I sit here on my couch, taking a break from my painful work, I know that when my plane takes off, I will be so much lighter in the air than I am today. The gravitational pull of my step work lessening, even if just for a few moments.

Back to the hammer. It’s hard work. But, the end’s in sight. And, I just know that it will be glorious!

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