After meeting with my sponsor yesterday to get the last of my instructions for finishing my 4th Step, I could taste it’s completion.
I have been working on this Godforsaken step for nearing five months now. When I first set out to do it, I had such gusto. I was going to be the exception, I was going to be the sponsee that got it done in 48 hours, maybe less, I was going to pummel my way through these steps, one by one, and conquer the program of AA, and my life! I was determined.
When it took me nearly an entire month to write down the first name on my resentment list, not even my actual resentments, effects, or my part, I realized that this process was going to be more slow going than I had anticipated or hoped. But, after diving into writing down that first name, it seemed as though I’d gained some momentum.
I procrastinated the SHIT out of this step. I can’t tell you how many episodes of various television series I watched on Netflix, how many loads of laundry, how many dishes I washed, bathtubs I cleaned, cigarettes I smoked, the list goes on…avoiding this step. And, yes, there were a few times that I almost drank over this step. Writing my 4th step was fucking excruciating.
I won’t sugar coat it for you, my loyal audience, nor will I sugar coat it to my sponsees, if I should ever have them. This step is brutal, heinous, and cruel. A notebook, full of fuck-ups and fuck-overs. A walk in the trenches of the past.
And, tonight, I fucking finished it.
After writing my last word, I sat for a half hour just staring at the page. Searching my brain for anything else that belonged here. Because, I am sure as fuck going to be thorough here. I want to get all this shit out NOW, because this thing is fucking epic. 120 pages of my life’s bullshit. I am in complete awe of myself for remembering all this shit, much less writing it down. And so, when I was finally satisfied that I had written everything of any importance, I said it: I am done.
A feeling of utter joy and freedom fell over me. I would no longer have to look at this little, blue journal and be reminded of all the work I had to do, all the artifacts to unearth because, muthafuckas, I did it. It is done.
I sent my sponsor a text message, reveling in my 4th Step’s notable completion.
Now, to remove this ball and chain…Tomorrow I meet my sponsor to complete my 5th Step. But today, I put my fear of that aside.
Ding dong, the Witch is dead. 4th Step is done. And, I still feel like I am living on an alternate universe. We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.